Many years ago, I remember pontificating there are a few times in life when a man is allowed to howl at the moon without judgment or reservation. One of those times was when he asks his girl to marry him. Another was when his first child is born. I think it’s safe to say it’s also allowed on the day he marries his bride and soon-to-be lifelong partner. For my son, and my oldest child, today is that day.
So, what should a dad say to son on the day of his wedding?
I certainly don’t have it ALL figured out, but after 26+ years of marriage we’ve got some things to say about the matter of “happily ever after”. In that vein, I have a few thoughts to pass along to my son & his bride and maybe anyone else out there who’s working on their marriage.
1. It’s all about her.
When you get married you start to think of the relationship in terms of “we” instead of “me”. That’s not wrong. However, to really make the marriage work, you have to think in terms of “her” and “she”. Your bride is now the most important thing in your life. Period. Your parents still matter; her parents still matter; your profession and work matter; but no one matters more than her. And you have to prove it to her. How? By choosing her over all of them. In the healthiest of families, this is a subtle shift. In complicated families, it may seem more drastic. In all cases, she HAS to know you are committed to her above everyone and everything else. There will be times when your job demands your time, especially if you wear a uniform, but she must know in her heart of hearts she is still your #1 priority. She’ll understand the difference so long as you do.
2. Lead your family & listen to your wife.
You are now the man of the family. In this gender-confused, role-reversal world this may sound like an archaic and misogynist phrase. It is neither. It is a call for you, as the husband, to shoulder the burden of leadership, protection, and stewardship. You would be wise to listen intently to your wife’s wisdom and direction. She is likely right about most things. Yet, the final decision, and any consequences, are yours to bear. What does this look like in practice? You: Babe, I think we should move to Alaska. Her: Ok, but what about your job here and all our family nearby? You: Good points. I still think we should move to Alaska. Her: Ok. You six months later in Alaska: Babe, it’s really cold here and I think we should be closer to family. I think we should move back to Arizona. Her: Ok, I think that’s a great idea. You inside your head: I should listen to my wife more. Now you’re getting it son.
3. Be the Tender Warrior.
Years ago, a pastor and former Green Beret named Stu Weber wrote a book by this title. In my opinion, it’s a timeless classic for men across the marriage spectrum. This is because it sums up what every man should aspire to be – both tender and a warrior. Again, in the current era these are confused terms, but in reality, this is the call for every husband and father. You are the protector and guardian of your family. This rings true in the physical sense as well as the spiritual and cultural realm. You must guard your family against the world, the great accuser, and a culture that will often run contrary to your world view. In the same light, be sensitive and tender in how you love and protect. Sit on the floor with your little girls and sip your tea cup. And teach your boys to be kind as well as tough while in their backyard fort. Be a Tender Warrior.
4. Intimacy grows over time.
On the day you marry your bride, you will love her more than ever before. And the next day, you will over her even more somehow. On your first anniversary, when you read all the letters from your family, you’ll be deep in love like you’ve never imagined. And then twenty-five years later you’ll suddenly find yourself in love in a way that escapes the written word. You’ll have raised a family together and watched your kids become adults. You may even have seen your kids get married and become parents themselves. In those moments, you’ll experience an intimacy and connection with your bride that is unimaginable on your wedding day. Savor what you have with your bride today and know that the abundance of love, affection, and closeness only gets fuller with time.
5. Partnership makes it work.
You may have heard us joke with the phrase, “Parenting is a team sport”. So it goes with marriage. In fact, as you and your bride begin to sort out what life as a married couple looks like, you’ll soon discover that you are greater than the sum of your parts. Where there were once two individuals, there is now one family. And that family of two (or more someday!) is an amazing, chaotic, wonderful, unpredictable organism full of life, laughs, and love. At the core of that family is a partnership between you and your bride. It is founded on love, commitment, respect, and tenacity (“the quality or fact of being very determined”). The partnership of marriage is not entered upon lightly and it is worth fighting for every single day. So stand back-to-back with your partner when you must & face-to-face when you can. You’re in this together to the end.
In closing…
These are perhaps the most meaningful and intentional words I have penned in some time. They are also a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It’s not every day your son gets married and sets out to create his place in the world with an amazing woman and partner.
Know this son – we love you and we pray for God’s blessing on you both as you begin your lives together as Mr. & Mrs.
As a sentimental guy and proud father, I think I’ll howl at the moon tonight, too.
Jeff
