I have two good friends who are struggling.
They don’t know each other, and their respective issues are very different. These guys couldn’t be more different from one another in almost every way.
What they have in common though is life has dealt them some massive challenges. And they are dads. They are good dads struggling to take care of their families and their kids in spite of some tough times. They know being an involved dad not only feels right, it has meaning and purpose just like this study shows.
One guy is trying to beat cancer for the third time. The other one is facing a long jobless streak with son #2 on the way. Yet, somehow they are continuing to persevere. As my dad would say, “They keep on trucking.” I wasn’t sure what that meant when I was a little boy. As a middle-aged father and husband, I think I’ve figured it out though.
As I have spent time with each of these guys over the past few months hearing of their struggles and challenges, I have tried to offer some encouragement. It seems to fall short every time given the gravity of their problems.
Recent conversations with both of them got me thinking: what traits or attributes are driving them to push through their respective valleys of darkness? What causes some men to fight through the pain and struggles while other cut and run or worse?
Let’s face it. We all know dads who, when faced with sizable obstacles in life, decided to forego the best job in the world, being a dad, for something less. My own father decided to go it alone rather than make some lifestyle changes and be around full-time. He softened later in life, but it was too late in many ways.
Struggling is a Reality of Life as a Dad
Thankfully, there are just as many dads, like my two friends, who push through the pain and struggle. This is not to say they don’t have very pressing problems or there is an easy fix involved.
Some men find themselves facing divorce, but they commit to being great single-dads or part-time dads with a full-time commitment. Other guys endure the death of their best friend and spouse, like my wife’s dad did when my wife was in high school, yet continue to be rock star dads. I’m not sure how I would survive that kind of loss, to be frank.
All dads face more “routine” struggles like not enough money at the end of the month, an unfulfilling job, or a wayward child. The list of life challenges seems endless.
The struggle is real gentlemen.
Yep, the struggle is real for sure, but so are authentic dads. Real dads push through the pain, the stress, the frustration, and the burdens of life for their sons and their daughters. But how do we do that? What ARE the differences between the dads that fight through and those that do not? I’ll throw out there I think it comes down to four foundational traits: faith, perspective, tenacity, and love.
1. Faith (Hope)
One of the guys I mentioned, the one beating cancer, maintains an indomitable spirit. He is a man of faith who wholeheartedly believes God is in control regardless of the outcome. I admire his conviction. The other dad is working on reconnecting with his faith after a long dry-spell spiritually. I admire his authenticity. They are both exhibiting a vivid hope and belief there is a higher purpose in their struggle.
Defining faith can be tricky. A classical biblical definition is, “Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 if you’re interested. A simpler definition might be believing there is purpose and understanding in my circumstances even if I don’t understand the “how” just yet.
Either way, men who remain committed to being dads in spite of adversity cling to a faith that a better day is on the horizon. It may be a long dark before the dawn, but it’s out there. Their faith propels them towards the light.
Even outside of a formal religiosity, a dad’s faith in the future has power. It demonstrates hope. It models a belief the current situation is temporal, and there are better days ahead. This is not just some sort of wishful thinking. This is when dads look their kids and their spouse in the eyes and promise they’ll get through it together.
We know things do not always work out as planned. But when a father plants his stake in the ground and assures his family this is where they stand there’s staying power. This is a type of power spouses and children can bank on.
2. Perspective
I use a lot of analogies in my daily conversations. I’m sure it has something to do with being a visual learner. Or perhaps I’m just not a very smart guy so I need something else to explain things. When discussing perspective with people I ask them if they’ve ever tried to read something on a dry-erase board with their nose pressed against the board. Of course, they cannot.
Then I ask the person what would happen if they took five large steps backward, away from the board, and then tried to read it. They then get it. They’ve gained perspective, and now they can read the message on the board. So goes being a dad in the middle of the chaos. We need some perspective.
Dads like my friends who are undergoing significant difficulties have to keep things in perspective. For example, my buddy who is faced with rising credit card debt to make ends meet has to remember his lack of a job is temporary. Similarly, my friend who is undergoing medical treatments to strengthen his immune system has to keep in mind his current health challenges are not forever debilitating.
Dads who undergo significant challenges in life are well-served when they remember their circumstances are often temporary. Even good friends facing divorce often tell me the key to their sanity is recognizing brighter days are ahead. They didn’t choose divorce or their new parenting paradigm, but keeping the totality of the situation in perspective helped them get through it.
3. Tenacity
As discussed, faith and perspective are hugely crucial for dads facing adversity. However, they are insufficient without another character trait we’ll call tenacity. A close synonym is “grit.” Either way, it’s the mettle that dads exhibit when life kicks them in the crotch.
The dictionary defines “grit” as “courage and resolve; strength of character.” I am down with that! Tenacity (a.k.a. grit) is the deep magic in a dad’s character. It is the drive in a dad that gives him the strength to protect his house against intruders, work long hours to provide for his family, and keeps him committed to his family when his own dad didn’t. Tenacity is the super-power of dads.
My buddy struggling with debt and related marital issues doesn’t realize it, but he’s a 10th-degree black belt in tenacity. He’s been tempted to leave, but he hasn’t. Why? Because his tenacity keeps him around. He’s willing to fight for his family however messed-up things might seem. That’s some wonderful parenting right there!
Did I mention that one of the guys that prompted this post has beaten cancer twice already? That’s the epitome of tenacity. Of course, his healing is in large part due to great medicine and medical providers. However, knowing his commitment to being around for his kids surely has something to do with his continual survival.
Tenacity is a word that’s not often used. When describing intentional parenting and being a great dad, I think it should be one of the first descriptors we use. Or we can use grit – you get the idea.
4. Love
Having faith, perspective, and tenacity will give any dad an edge against the inevitable challenges life will throw against them. Yet, even these three attributes might be insufficient without the foundational elements needed to overcome the onslaught of doubt, insufficiency, and inadequacies men face today.
To indeed be great dads and husbands, and to overcome the struggles we all face, a dad must have love above all else. We’re not talking the kind of love mentioned on the “For the love of the game!” t-shirts or when a guy says, “I love that new BBQ place!” Nope, we’re talking about the kind of love that is hard-wired into a dad’s DNA.
This type of love provides the connective tissue in a family. It’s the kind of love that is unconditional and irrevocable. When my youngest daughter gives me a hug after work, she doesn’t care what kind of work I did, what my boss thinks of me, or how much I make (or how little!). She hugs me because she loves me because I’m her dad. That’s it.
Even though most guys aren’t inclined to talk about this type of L-word, every dad worth his salt recognizes the sheer power of it. But how do you describe that thing between a dad and his son or his daughter? It’s simple. It’s just love and it-is-everything.
Think back to your own father. Or to your dad today if he’s still around. Think about your favorite memory of your dad. What about it resonates? What about that memory pushes it to the surface? I’m going to bet somewhere in there it’s the feeling and knowledge of love. Now think about your kids laughing and running towards you. There it is again.
Why? Because love is the greatest of all human emotions. In fact, it’s more than a feeling. It is an unbreakable bond between individuals; in this case between you and your dad and you and your kids. Capture those moments and draw on them when the clouds turn dark around you. When a dad encounters the storms of life, his love for his children and his family provide the fuel to keep going.
Closing Thoughts
All dads face turmoil. It’s called life. Struggling dads who want to press-on lean into the wind and commit to pushing through the chaos. Sometimes we can go it alone. Other times require us to lock arms with other men around us to hold the line. Regardless of who is around us at the time, we would be well-served to keep at least these four attributes in mind: faith, perspective, tenacity, and love.
These are not merely ingredients for a successful life. A man cannot call upon these character traits instantly without having worked on developing them earlier in life. Like the two men I mentioned, when faced with significant life challenges these attributes are what we draw upon to get through them. My hope is by reflecting on what keeps these guys going, and what keeps any man going through adversity, would give us a reason to take an inventory of what we have to guide our families through the occasional chaos of life as a suburban dad.
Keep it up, dads! You’re making a difference!
Cheers,
Jeff
