This post is the first of a two-part set on “servant leadership”. Part one will concentrate on some life hacks to help dads develop a servant-leader mindset at home. The second post will focus on what servant-leadership looks like at work, regardless if you’re a “formal” leader or not.
A Rough Start to Leadership
In 6th grade, I ran for class president. I was the new kid in school, and I thought, “What better way to get noticed?” It was a landslide victory – for the other candidate. Not only did I lose, but I also lost with jeers and taunts. Today those same responses would be classified as “bullying” and probably get someone expelled. Even so, I learned from the experience. My journey as a student and practitioner of leadership began shortly after that failed race.
I eventually made friends and got involved. Of course proving myself in a couple of fist-fights didn’t hurt either. (I swear I didn’t start them!) The next year I ran again for class president and won. And the following year I triumphantly ran for student body president. Ok, admittedly, “Junior High Student Body President” isn’t the A-list material that gets one noticed on LinkedIn, but it does reveal a few things about how long I’ve been committed to the art and science of leadership.
Every Dad is a Leader, Like it or Not
I think it’s fair to state every dad is a leader. Dads must lead their spouse, their kids, and even themselves. Some dads are even formal leaders – meaning they have leadership titles and responsibilities at work. But even the dad who is self-employed, or unemployed, is a leader at home. Or at least he should be. Let’s explore just what this looks like, but before I do let’s deal with the elephant in the room.
Some people will read this and think I’m talking about a reckless, chauvinistic, selfish domination of our spouses and kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I’ll explain shortly what this authentic and compelling leadership looks like. Let me be clear – I am talking about SELFLESS, not selfish, leadership. There is a massive difference.
Dads who employ intimidation, anger, fear, and pain with their spouses and their kids are not leaders – they’re tyrants, and they don’t deserve the title of “dad”. I’m a reasonable guy in most every way, except in this one. If a guy thinks being a tyrant with those he’s supposed to love and protect is alright, well then he’s got a reckoning coming. If this strikes a chord with you or someone you know, it’s time for an intervention and probably some counseling. Our loved ones deserve so much better.
Servant Leadership
I once used the term “servant leadership” during an oral promotional board. The panel looked at me like I had three eyeballs. Until I explained what I meant. (Then I got a couple of nods and smiles.) Servant leadership is not about others serving us. It is about us serving others. It’s about putting others before yourself. It’s about sacrificially taking care of those we’re entrusted to lead. Dads (and moms) understand this intuitively.
Isn’t that the essence of being a dad and a husband? We get up early, commute to work in traffic, spend 8-10 hours in our jobs we may or may not enjoy, commute back home in traffic, eat dinner, help with homework, try to be attentive to our wife’s day, read a book or watch TV, go to sleep and repeat four, five, or even six days a week. I’m tired just thinking about it. So how in the world are we supposed to lead when some days all we can do is survive?
Here are a six tools and tactics to help you demonstrate servant leadership, while also recharging your batteries.
1. Carve out some time for self-development.
Stephen Covey, in the classic “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,” called this habit “Sharpening the Saw.” What skills, hobbies, interests do you regularly neglect because of your family responsibilities? One way to figure this out is to finish the following sentence, “Next weekend I would love to spend four hours doing _______ guilt-free.” It could be golfing, reading, fishing, writing or playing poker with your buddies.
Now have a conversation with your spouse. Let her know you absolutely are committed to the family calendar and spending quality time with the family, but you’d like to find some time to do fill-in-the-blank-from-above over the next few weeks. Explain you need some time to recharge your dad-batteries. And of course, offer the opportunity to do the same. I’m not an advocate for spouses taking separate vacations – that’s a little weird to me – but it’s healthy to allow each other the space to pursue hobbies and “self-development.”
Now, if you’re one of those guys that already spends a lot of time on their hobbies, or work for that matter, the conversation might be more about where you can throttle back in those areas so you can spend more time with the family. Follow your instincts on this one. You know better than anyone if your time is being spent wisely or not.
2. Have a shared family calendar.
We’re an Apple family, meaning I have more iDevices in my household than I want to admit. One of the biggest reasons for this is they all synch easily. (I’m sure there are non-Apple devices that do the same thing, but we’re too far down the rabbit hole to go back now!) Our family calendar is the connective tissue that keeps the six of us abreast of the myriad commitments, work changes, meetings, clubs, family gatherings, etc. One of the benefits of the shared iCalendar is when my wife or I update or add events, it shows up on the other person’s phone, and they have to acknowledge it. This way when I add “Overtime Shift” to the calendar and two weeks later when she goes to put in “Scrapbooking Night,” she can’t say I didn’t tell her about working the same night. Ok, technically I didn’t “say” it, but I put it on the family calendar.
The calendar doesn’t have to be virtual. You can buy, or make, a large dry-erase calendar that hangs in the family’s common areas. The intent is the same – keep everyone informed of what everyone else is doing and where they are supposed to be. Of course, a virtual calendar on everyone’s phone/tablet/computer provides a bit more flexibility and visibility, but as long as you have one, you’re improving communication between everyone. That’s an essential function of a leader – keep the team on the same page. Or calendar in this case.
3. Schedule a date night. (And then have a date night!)
This is an area in which I can definitely do better. I know some guys that make this a monthly, even weekly, priority. That is awesome! For us, we’re good if we can make it happen once every two to three months. We’re in a season of life where we don’t need to hire a babysitter, so there’s really no excuse, except maybe the budget. Even so, there are countless inexpensive date-night ideas out there. Here’s a list of 101 of them in fact.
What does a date night have to do with servant leadership? Everything! Taking your wife out for a scheduled “you & me” evening puts credibility in the spoken and written “I love yous” the both of you exchange. It demonstrates to your significant other she is worth your time, your attention, and your resources. It also provides a time for you both to communicate what’s going on in your busy lives. A servant leader invests in those they lead, and there is no one more deserving of that investment than your spouse. A date night can be a great forum for that.
4. Ask permission, not forgiveness.
Ok, maybe I’m writing this more for me than you guys. This is another area where I would be well served to practice more. How many of you have gone to the store – say Home Depot or Costco – and come home with some new tool, gadget or device that cost more than you had in your wallet and which your wife had no idea you were buying? Yah, me neither. J Now some guys will argue it’s their hard-earned money and they have the prerogative to spend it as they want. Perhaps, but remember this post is about servant leadership and putting others first. That also means checking with your wife before jumping into commitments, spending too much money or quitting your job – for example.
One of a wife’s greatest needs, according to a Google search and 20+ years of marriage, is trusting her man. When we make purchases, stay late at work (without calling), commit to poker night, or use the grocery money to play the lottery, we’re showing her she shouldn’t trust us. And that my friends will undermine every other aspect of your marriage. Instead, servant leadership says I will ASK her before I do any of those things so she knows she has a voice in my decisions and she can TRUST that I want her input. There will inevitably come a time when you can’t ask her, or you don’t have time to ask her, but because those times will be the exception, she’ll trust you.
5. Align your money with family priorities.
If we want to put our wives and families ahead of us, we need to include all areas of our relationships. This includes finances. I know lots of guys that have lots of toys. They have boats, off-road vehicles, new cars, lifted trucks, and six sets of golf clubs. It’s true I might be a little jealous, except for the golf clubs – miserable sport – but in reality, these same guys often have a lot of debt to accompany their toys. We all know that debt saddles us with obligations, robs us of freedom, and puts a heavy burden on our finances. Even without the debt, if our extracurricular spending is not in step with our agreed-upon priorities, we’re leading from our desires and not necessarily from our values. This undermines our commitment to put our families before ourselves.
When we suppress our desires to benefit our family, we’re doing our best to spend our money according to our shared priorities. Are you trying to save money for a down-payment for a house or to get the kids’ 529 plan up and running for college in ten years? If so, where does that new 300-piece socket set you found on sale fit in? You get the picture.
Perhaps you’ve been at this marriage thing a long time, so you know which finance lines not to cross. (“What do you mean you don’t like the color of my new Aston Martin Valkyrie?”) Even so, understanding, acknowledging, and spending according to your families agreed-upon financial priorities shows you’re putting them ahead of your own desires. For some additional reading on this topic, check out this article from Forbes.
6. The Almighty took a Sabbath, so should you.
Whether you are a man of faith or not, this principle has merit. For many hard-working, and hard-playing, dads the idea of regularly having a down-time is ridiculous. I’ve heard guys say, “I can sleep when I’m dead.” That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy for sure.
When we maintain a regular off-day, we’re demonstrating to our wives and our kids that time with them is more important than another few hours of overtime or a night with the guys. This isn’t to say that you cannot have some quality bro-time. It IS saying though that your family time should be more frequent than your friends time and it should be meaningful. See the 101 dates link above – most of them translate into quality family times, too.
While I do advocate for some good, quality, regular family chill time, I also think it’s important for dads to remember that parenting is a team sport. For some dads, the thought of raising even a finger to help out around the house seems preposterous. According to my mom, my dad never changed a single diaper for me, or my brother. Part of me thinks he was a genius, although after having four kids I believe he was a just a jerk. Servant leader dads know they have a duty to help out when and where they can. Maybe I couldn’t help in the breastfeeding department, but I sure as hell best step up when the 3 am-diaper-changing-cry goes off!
Closing
Whether you realize it or not, as a good dad you understand servant-leadership. You know that successfully parenting your kids requires putting them first. It does not mean, however, putting them above your own well-being or above your relationship with your spouse or significant other. It means you work hard to ensure they are on the right trajectory in life. My hope is the hacks discussed above can help you keep a balanced and healthy life so you can keep being the awesome, servant-minded dad you’re supposed to be.
Cheers,
Jeff
