Reflecting on the Past
January is my birthday month. This year also happens to be the start of a new decade. Consequently, I’ve found myself doing a lot of reflecting on life. I’ve been thinking about where I am professionally, what I still want to do in life, how much I have to be thankful for, and a few dozen other big ideas. As you can tell, I tend to overthink things at times. Just ask my wife.
Even so, I think it’s healthy for us, as dads and husbands to spend some time being intentional with our thoughts and reflecting on life. Some folks I know do this every year about this time because of the natural pause the new year brings. Other guys use summer break, between school years, to take stock of their goals and ambitions. I’m taking this month of this new year to do just that.
While I’m not quite into my fifth decade on planet Earth, I’m close. This has given me even more urgency to think about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and what life still holds in store for me. (Actually, I should be using “we” instead of “I” or “me” because, for me, life is a team sport with my bride!) Being reflective about the past and intentional about the future are great tools. We just need to guard against some of the pitfalls in doing so.
When we think about our past and our future, there’s a possibility we begin pining for something different. We start to think about what might have been instead of what is. In doing so, we fail to recognize the goodness in our lives. We look to social media or our neighbors and think, if only I had made THAT decision differently or done fill-in-the-blank, I would be happier, wealthier, healthier, or better off. Then again, maybe not.
When we moved to Arizona over twenty years ago, we put a down payment on a house in a different part of town. After a day or two, we changed our minds and kept looking. We settled on a home in a different part area altogether. That choice led to a series of other circumstances and choices that ultimately set into motion some major career and family decisions. Here we are 20+ years later. If I’m not careful, I can spend time second-guessing that decision two decades ago instead of being thankful for all the great things that have taken place since then.
Transforming Your Future
So how do we get it right? How do we take stock of where we are in life and then use those insights to put us on a path to where we want to go? Here are five ideas and thoughts on how to take those insights from the past and help them transform your future.
1. Write them out.
Journaling is a bit of a lost art, especially for men. I’m sure John Wayne never uttered the words, “Dear Diary,” but I’m also not sure he’s the kind of man I want to be. (Except his character in the movie The Longest Day!) If you want to get crazy about journaling, start a blog where you share with the world what’s going on in your head about life, family, fatherhood, marriage, etc. Or you can just open up your laptop or an old school notebook and start writing. Jotting down the things that come to mind about what has been, and what can be, provide incredible insights.
I have a journal from my days in college leading up to graduation and getting married. It was all about wanting to marry my fiancée, have a family, start a career, etc. All those things have become a reality. By re-reading those words from the mid-90s, I have a greater appreciation for where we are today. While I enjoy the sentimentality of what I wrote, I have also used it to shed some light about long-held goals and dreams.
2. Talk them through.
How many of you reading this have a mentor? Someone you’re not related to and likely has a few years on you. Of all the recommended measures here, this seems to be the most challenging. I think part of the reason this takes place so infrequently is because guys are terrible about asking other guys for help and even worse about communicating authentically.
A mentor is not a therapist or counselor. It is another guy whom you respect and who can speak some truth into your life, whether that’s about your profession, your relationships, or your goals. I have found it very challenging to find a mentor, but in the seasons of my life I’ve had one, I’ve noticed a significant impact.
3. Pray/meditate on them.
This one depends on where you stand spiritually, but the principle is the same. If you are a person of faith, praying for wisdom about your future should be a given. (Even so, I’m terrible at it!) And if you’re not the praying kind, meditating on your insights and your future can be beneficial to this time of reflection.
The difference between praying/meditating and just “thinking” about life is you’re seeking guidance from outside your own perspective. A mentor or coach can help you discern some insights and truths, but praying for wisdom opens up a perspective you’ve likely not imagined.
4. Turn them into written goals.
I’m one of those guys that loves to plan – to figure out what’s going to happen and then develop steps to get there. Other guys I know are just cool with figuring it out on the fly. I think both approaches have merit because I think life happens somewhere between the two approaches.
Yet, there’s good research out there about the power of turning aspirations into true goals – something you’ve thought about, written down, and then work toward. Science shows those who write down their goals are anywhere from 1.2 to 1.4 times more likely to achieve their goals. If we take the time to think about where we’ve been and where we want to go, we should then turn those into written goals for the next phases in life.
5. Loop back to them.
Reflecting on the past and using those thoughts to help drive our future are much like waypoints on a map or markers on a trail. They only work, though, if we pay attention to them and allow them to guide us. If we choose to ignore the signs, we can’t be certain we’re heading in the direction we want.
If I make the time to take stock of my life in January 2020, and even write some things down, I will be well-served if mid-year 2020 or next year, I spend time reading about my thoughts and discoveries. Like the journal I kept during my senior year in college that I mentioned above, when I revisit it, I am overcome with gratitude and happiness because of where we are in life now. Reflecting on life as documented in that journal helps keep me centered and grateful twenty-five years later.
In Closing
Even when we find ourselves in a season of struggle and adversity, we can make the most of it by taking the time to reflect on life, how we got there, and where it might be taking us. When we are in a time of blessings – health, family, love – we should be present in the moment and recognize it.
Whether we are in a place of smiles or tears, we should hit pause and take the time to think about how we got there. In other words, we should be reflecting on life. In turn, we can use the ideas above to help get us to the places in life and relationships we really want to be.
I think we are retrospective by design. We think about the past and wonder about the future. We want to maximize the years and decades we have. We want to live life to the fullest. In doing so, we make a lot of mistakes and missteps. We also find ourselves blessed in ways we could have never imagined.
Keep it up, dads! You’re making a difference.
Jeff
