By now our kids know there is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy. What they have not yet learned is there is also no such thing as a normal family. Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of dads out there who still believe in this mythical creature. The problem with believing in such a thing is it can lead to doubt, frustration, and envy because we think our families should be normal or, worse, perfect. This kind of thinking can also limit our joy and happiness. On the contrary, once we acknowledge a normal family consists of the imperfect, we can start to enjoy and treasure ours even more.
I recently caught up with an old friend on the phone. We haven’t talked in a couple of years in part because he is on the other side of the country. We keep in touch via our wives, who communicate a bit more regularly, but he and I just have not made it a priority to chat. He is a stand-up guy, a great dad, and a committed husband. After we each gave the work/family/kids update we both sort of admitted we thought our “issues” were unique. The fact of the matter is we’ve all got issues!
As my buddy and I shared more about some of our own challenges over the last couple of years, I found myself thinking about all the other moms and dads with whom I have had similar conversations. I also thought about the genuine parenting struggles we have had over the years. My job often entails crossing paths with people in crisis, including parents. In those moments I have seen despondent moms and dads crying amid feelings of hopelessness. They feel they are alone and isolated. They have no idea that other families around them are experiencing their own turmoil. We believe our family dysfunctions are the exception when they are really the norm.
Reality Check
We tend to think our family is abnormal and our friends and neighbors are perfect. We believe there is no way they are dealing with the same kinds of parenting challenges, financial strains, health concerns, or career turmoil. Not only do we believe we are alone, but we also start to think we have to suffer in silence. This thinking becomes a dangerous spiral. We don’t want to discuss our incorrigible juvenile or the fact we cannot pay all our bills. Instead, we put on our “everything-is-fine” face at work while dreading having to face the struggle that awaits us after work.
Don’t get me wrong, I know some fantastic families who seem to have it all together. However, I bet if I got to know those folks better, I would discover they have their own genuine challenges. It is not that I wish ill on great families, it is just that I do not think any family out there has it all together. Why is this important to consider? Because it offers a reality check to our own frustrations.
Simply stated, a “perfect” family is not one with beautiful children, no health problems, amazing jobs, zero debt and worry free. Nope. THAT kind of family is in fact as much a myth as a white-bearded man delivering toys in an aerial sleigh led by reindeer. Normal families have some combination of all of these. All families have some basket of issues that make us think our families are abnormal when in fact they are normal precisely because we have problems.
A New Thinking on Normal
When my son was in his late teens, we had a series of falling outs. He is the oldest of our four kids. After one particular confrontation, I tearfully admitted to him I was trying to figure out how to be a dad to a teenage boy. I told him there was no manual on how to do it right and I was doing the best I could. I don’t think it altered the outcome of the spat entirely, but the honesty set the stage for more in-depth conversations about our relationship later.
When we deny the painful realities of life as a husband, dad, and colleague, we start to believe a false narrative about our lives. We begin to see ourselves as something less than we are. We should instead merely admit to ourselves and our loved ones we do not have it all figured out. (They probably already know that anyways.) By accepting our inadequacies and shortcomings, we increase our vulnerability and our authenticity. These, in turn, open us up to deeper relationships with those we love and value.
We begin to realize we’re more normal than we think by admitting to ourselves that our parenting is not perfect, our marriages can get rocky, our jobs are frustrating, and our credit card bills are bigger than they should be. This is not to say these we should accept these issues and never try to address them. It is more of a simple acknowledgment our lives are messy just like everyone else’s. Finding some measure of comfort in that is alright. Our stress levels go down because our expectations of perfection dissipate.
Three Ways to Redefine Your Normal Family
Moving from a place of believing your family is abnormal and imperfect to a more reasonable understanding takes some work. Here are three steps you can take to help you move from disbelief that your imperfect family is, in fact, normal and healthy.
1. Remember you are a team.
In the world of husband-wife roles, our family is a little backward. I am the talker, and she is the silent type. When we have a disagreement, I want to chat it out. She wants to keep it bottled up and let it pass. When bills start to pile up, I begin to freak out. She patiently develops a plan to make the budget work. In spite of these different approaches, we work hard to never forget we are a team.
Having this team approach to marriage, parenting and life, in general, allow us to weather inevitable challenges that make us think our families are not normal. Teenager issues? Yep, we have those. More bills than income? Check. A misunderstanding that leads to an argument? Got the t-shirt. Never forget we’re committed to each another for the long haul? You betcha!
The point here is when you remember you’re a team you acknowledge you have common goals and a shared purpose. Teams made up of individuals with their own agendas do not succeed. Families that admit they have shortcomings and issues do. “Normal” families have struggles for sure, and they recognize them. They do not pretend they are the only ones with challenges and problems.
2. Have a comrade.
A comrade can be defined as an intimate friend or fellow soldier. In the context of being a dad and a husband, it is both. Guys are not very good about deliberately spending regular time with a good friend who can listen to our struggles and reciprocate with their own. We need to be better about this.
You might have a neighbor or buddy from work with whom you can talk sports or cars, but do you have a fellow dad who can offer perspective and wisdom? My buddy who I spoke to on the phone after a long hiatus is that kind of guy for me, but I have not done a good job nurturing our friendship over the years. I need to do a better job with him for sure.
I do have another close friend from my time in the military with whom I chat regularly about parenting, marriage, and career “stuff.” Whether he knows it or not, he’s been instrumental in helping me keep a healthy perspective about my imperfect family and my own shortcomings. My brother has also been a great friend to me in this area. The imperative here is for you to find another guy who can help you work through the reasons why your abnormal family is in fact, very normal.
3. Keep it all in perspective.
Imagine trying to read a dry-erase board full of information with your nose pressed against it. It won’t work because you are too close to it. Instead, you would need to take a few steps back to gain a wider view and a better perspective. So it goes with understanding the challenges of parenting, marriage, and careers. They also require you to gain some perspective.
When we overthink our family problems and struggles, we begin to lose perspective. All we see is what is wrong and not what is right. One of our girls has struggled with health issues that have lingered since she was born. There have been seasons when she was in a bad way. It was a challenge to remember at birth the doctors gave her a 50/50 chance. If we’re not careful, we’ll forget she not only beat those odds but is, in fact, a reasonably healthy teenager thriving in so many other ways.
I do not mean to minimize the genuine trials and tragedies, so many families face. Rather, I am merely encouraging us all to remember the other good things and blessings in our lives. I have mates that never came home from war. There is no way for their families to get through that easily. In times like those, perspective might not be enough. Seeking professional help might be needed. Those families’ will never be perfect in the same way, but they will be normal again someday.
In Closing
There is no such thing as a perfect family. I think even the “normal” family is an elusive creature and distant relative to the unicorn. Instead, what dads need to keep in mind is that “normal” means troubles, challenges, and turmoil. Life is messy as a family. That’s just the way it is. The sooner we dads remember that, the quicker we will be to respond to the chaos of family life appropriately.
The entire purpose of Suburban Dads is to encourage and inspire one another through the chaos and turbulence of life. To do so in this case, we must redefine what normal looks like and accept we’re doing the best we can. Don’t lose heart dads. What you think is abnormal and imperfect is just the opposite.
Keep it up, dads. You’re making a difference!
Jeff
