It Starts Out Simple Enough
Just when you think you have things figured out as parents, life throws you a curve ball. These can come in the form of a child with health issues (been there), developmental challenges (yep, there too), or maybe just normal parenting friction (we’re STILL there). The point is there is no normal parenting experience. For every father and mother, there is only a wild, marvelous, loud, passionate struggle called parenthood. And for each of us, it is chocked full of parenting lessons learned.
My wife and I now find ourselves in the strange land of having the eclectic mix of “adult” children, adolescents, and a tween all at the same time. To compound the situation, we have learned they each have their own set of rules. It’s like playing soccer with a football while wearing a baseball uniform. After trying to play this strange game of parenthood, we have indeed realized some parenting lessons learned.
The problem is that while there is no shortage of parenting advice, how-to books, parent groups, and free wisdom from grandparents, there’s just no way to be the uber-awesome parents you planned on being after they actually show up. Pinterest parenting simply does not exist. The reality is something more akin to Pinterest fails.
The Struggle is Real
When the first kid arrives, life is simple. That’s not to say it’s easy. It is just relatively uncomplicated. You change them, feed them, burp them, hold them, put them down, and pick them up. It’s a relatively simple set of plays. You can even mix up the order with very little fallout. They are both amazingly beautiful and wonderfully complex. For the new parent, no matter how well prepared, the infant stage is intense. You think to yourself, “How did beautiful little angel put THAT in their diaper?” And you laugh when you hear the analogy of sleeping like a baby.
Then they start to grow up. The clothing, feeding, changing, handling sequence gets more complicated. Or you have another one or even a few more, so you have to move to a zone defense and hope your special plays can counter their strong-willed offenses. Life with toddlers and preschoolers becomes compounded by preventing the wrong things from going in the mouth and nose. My youngest found that a game of “Life” person fits nicely up the nostril. Luckily, a few good nose blows and it was back on the game board.
The season of you feeding them turns into plastic plates and sippy cups. It also gives way to temper tantrums and expanding vocabularies. If it WERE a soccer game, moms and dads would earn a few yellow cards for sure for losing their cool during this season of parenting. High chairs are replaced with booster seats, and car trips become an exercise in Elastigirl-inspired moves to retrieve blankets and goldfish crackers.
Adolescence is Even Rougher as a Parent
Somehow the kids make it into school and life calms down right? Nope. Now things get even more complicated. It is now time for regulating “screens” (that’s our word for iPads, TVs, gaming consoles, computers, etc.) and balancing homework. Eventually, you progress to science fair projects, school plays, and if you’re lucky, chaperoning a junior high dance.
When the kids move into the high school years, the parenting experience expands to include worries about friends, dating, driving, college, grades, and dating. Did I mention dating? You begin to wonder if you have messed up your kids too severely to become productive members of society.
Then one of your kids goes off to college, and you understand you are entering a new era of parenting. You suddenly realize you have an adult who has to make adult’ish decisions. It is both freeing and terrifying. What if they make poor choices like choosing not to go to church anymore or worse, become a Raiders fan?
Real Lessons Are Only Learned the Hard Way
In spite of the lamentations, most of us agree we wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything even if they seem like a burden at the moment. There are also times when I look at our kids’ toddler photos on the wall and wish we could start over to experience it all again. But then I think about all times the “I’m sick” utterances turned into projectile vomiting and I think, “That was awesome, but I’m glad they’re older now.” Is that wrong?
As our kids grow up and even move out of the house, I cannot help but reflect on what we could have done better. With that in mind, here are a few parenting lessons learned. Like life, most of these were learned the hard way. Some of these we actually practiced. Others, we should have practiced or at least I should have paid more attention to my mom when she said, “Just you wait!”
Nine Parenting Lessons Learned
1. Mom and dad are on the same team. Always.
Spouses are going to disagree. If you think differently, you’re clearly not married. When it comes to parenting matters, you need to be a united front. When your tween daughter defies you and wears shorty-shorts (a.k.a. “booty shorts”), but your wife tells her its OK you had better realize it is NOT alright. Then you both had best figure out what is acceptable. This is even more important in matters of integrity, values, and morality.
2. Hug them often. Especially if they don’t like it.
We have one son and three daughters. Much to my surprise, my middle daughter recently notified me she does not like to hug or touch other people. (In the context of dating, this is a big win!) Sadly, that included her parents. Want to know what I do as her dad as often as I can? Hug her. Yep. I’m not trying to antagonize her, but I want her to know I love her more than words can convey. Sometimes that means only a hug and kiss will work.
3. Trust, but verify.
This is one of those principles I learned in the Marine Corps. It applies at home and work. In parenting, it looks something like this” “Is your friend’s mom going to be home? Great! What’s her number? I’m going to call her.” And you call her. Each time their story checks out, they make a deposit into their trust bank. The result is they gain more freedom. The lesson learned here is honesty, and wise decision-making, are the optimal choices.
4. They can do it right, or they can do it twice.
To be frank, my kids hate this one. (This I also learned as a Marine.) When I ask/task my kids to complete something, I expect them to do it right. This does not mean they cannot make mistakes or errors, but it means they should do it to the best of their ability. If not, they get to do it again to make it right. I do not want to be a tyrant; I want to teach them they must become dependable and trustworthy. When they tell their boss or spouse, they will take care of something, they must do what they promised. Or risk doing it twice.
5. There’s no right to privacy.
One of the worst mistakes we made was giving a smartphone to our oldest when he turned 14 without going full-internet-police at the same time. When your kids live in your house, which is the normal arrangement, you have to be nosy. What have they been looking at on their phones, tablets, laptops? (Hint: If it’s a boy, it will eventually involve nudity.) I have counseled too many parents in crisis because their kids have run away, used drugs, or just become incorrigible because their parents did not regulate their friends, their bank accounts, or their free time. To be clear, your children have no Constitutional right to privacy.
6. Eat dinner together.
This one can be a logistical challenge for sure. If your family is anything like ours, dinner competes with sports, homework, parents’ work, friends, clubs, and the list goes on. For several years, I worked shift work. Consequently, I missed dinner time several nights a week. Looking back, this came at a cost. When our kids were younger, we would share our “highs & lows” for each day. Participation was mandatory. Today, conversations are a bit more organic but still invaluable. If dinner together every night is impossible for your family, set a realistic goal (three maybe?) and throw out some “highs & lows” of your day.
7. Facilitate, but don’t force sibling relationships.
If you have read some of my other posts, you’ll know we have had our share of significant behavioral and emotional turmoil in our home. As a result, there are some enduring relational struggles between some of our kids. This is tough to admit as a parent. We want our kids to naturally like one another and maybe even act like they love one another at times. What we found though was we could not force them to do so. We can encourage patience, forgiveness, and understanding, but at the end of the day the children/young adults must make up their own mind. As a side note, we have seen some significant healing in his area as they all mature albeit very slowly.
8. Boys and girls are different.
To say there are confusion and controversy these days regarding gender would be an understatement. While I do not necessarily want to add to the latter, I am convinced there are distinct differences between how to raise boys and how to raise girls. This hit home for us when our son picked up a doll and fashioned the arms and legs into a pretend gun. Conversely, at nearly the same time our daughters used his Hot Wheel cars in a rather well-mannered parade. This is a complex topic and goes well beyond this post, but needless to say, the principle is important. How we nurture healthy masculinity and strong femininity in our kids is critical to their emotional and psychological well-being as adults.
9. Provide a foundation of faith.
This one can become controversial, but it shouldn’t be. Some parents have stronger opinions about their favorite NFL teams than their faith. As parents, we must model healthy behaviors for our kids. How we handle church/synagogue/mosque is no different. More importantly, if we are not showing our kids at every age the importance of faith and spirituality, we’re not preparing them for adolescence and adulthood when they will surely need both.
In Closing
I have no doubt that if you are reading this as a dad or a mom, you can add another nine or even ninety rules for successful parenting. As it is, I had to whittle this one down from a much longer list. I also know when our kids have all grown-up and moved-out, wisdom will provide additional insights into what we did right and should have done differently.
Make no mistake, I love being a dad and having a big family. It is just a lot of work some time. (My wife will probably chuckle when she reads this because she has carried the brunt of the parenting experience these past twenty-plus years.) This journey of parenthood and life is what prompted Suburban Dads in the first place. I hope the list above encourages you and creates some discussion in your own homes. We would love to hear from your experiences and see if you can add to the list with your own rules for successful parenting!
Keep it up, Dads! You’re making a difference!
Jeff
