Let’s face it, parenting in these challenging times can be hard. Admittedly, I have struggled as a dad during this pandemic. I’ve lost sleep over it even when I’m normally not a worrier or alarmist. I don’t want to give in to the apocalyptic hype on the one hand. On the other, I can’t pretend this is just a bad flu season. Our kids are now a little older, so we’ve had some meaningful conversations about current events. In many ways, they’ve been handling it better than I have.
I keep thinking about how do I lead and protect my family during these tumultuous times? How do I prevent my kids from being fearful while also being realistic about the gravity of the situation? For that matter, how do I process the endless news feeds and data to give them a practical understanding of what’s going on in the world? My hope is to offer a few answers to these questions for dads while also encouraging each other to stay healthy and focused on what’s most important.
We have always tried to be honest with our kids when the world gets a little scary, so they know they can trust what we tell them. We also want them to develop their own ability to process what’s going on in the world. Ultimately, we want them to make wise decisions as a result. We also work hard to teach them to filter what’s going on in the world with our Christian worldview. Our kids know this doesn’t mean things always work out as we want. Death and tragedy are real and impact us all. In fact, our hearts break for those who have lost loved ones in this pandemic.
Minimize Worry & Maximize Connection
As the pandemic crisis continues in the U.S. and around the world, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I can do as a dad, husband, and citizen to help my family get through these challenging times. I can be more prayerful and appreciative. I can be honest I don’t know how this “ends” while also reassuring them we’ll get through it. I can also work a little harder at parenting in these challenging times.
In that vein, here are a few ideas and suggestions to do just that. I’m sure most dads out there have come up with even better ideas, so hopefully, these only add to your list. Maybe when we get on the other side of this thing, we can compile them all into a “battle book” for future dads and parents so they can get a running start when parenting in a crisis!
1. Spend time with loved ones – near and far.
When the whole family is stuck inside the house or apartment, this one seems like a no-brainer. After a few weeks of “quarantine” or “home-learning,” you may want to do just the opposite! The idea here is not to just survive your familial lock-down, but to make the most of it. Whether you huddle around a puzzle with your kids, let them annihilate you on Mario Cart, or binge-watch a Netflix series together, savor the time together as a family. If this crisis teaches us nothing else, it can at least remind us of what’s most important in life – one other.
For those relatives that are not physically close, be sure to reach out virtually to say hello and to stay connected. By now, many of us have experienced our first-ever Zoom happy hour with family and friends. (Let’s face it, an afternoon drink can help to parent even in the best of times!) For those of us whose parents are in the older generation, they remain the most vulnerable during this pandemic. No matter how stoic they might seem, they need to know we love them. We need to stay connected with them now more than ever.
2. Keep routines as much as possible.
Before current events canceled school, sent workers home to telecommute or let them go, and caused us to “shelter-in-place,” we all had some sort of family routines. Now we’re struggling to define what our days should look like. No matter what that turns out to be for your family, there’s good evidence there’s comfort and power in routines. We know what to do and when to do it when it’s a weekday during the school year. Now with no school, no playdates, no after school activities, and no breaks from one another, we’re left trying to survive the hours between getting up and going to sleep.
Depending on the age of your kids, routines can bring some semblance of sanity to your home. When our children experience routines, they know what to expect. With so much unknown in the world right now, this can be an influential factor in calming anxiety and fear. Routines also establish responsibilities like getting up a specific time, completing chores, or taking care of schoolwork from the kitchen table. By meeting these responsibilities, our kids maintain some control over their day. With routines, we don’t have to manage every moment of our children’s day because habits do part of that for us.
3. Discuss the situation with your kids and ask them how they’re feeling about it.
One of our most significant responsibilities as parents is to teach our kids about life. (Another “no duh” statement!) Some events are classic parenting teaching moments like the first time your son lies to you and knows it, the first time your daughter has a crush, and the first time a close relative dies and you have to tell your kids. If we’re doing our jobs as dads, we get the fantastic opportunity to sit down with our kids and help them work through all that life throws at them so that one day, when we’re not around, they have the wisdom and character to navigate challenges on their own. Unfortunately, I never thought I would add the first “pandemic” to the list of things to discuss, but it’s here, so we need to talk with our kids about it.
If we let our kids form their own opinions of these challenging times based on the news or worse, social media, without our guidance, we’re not giving them the emotional support they might need to put things in context. We’re also not helping them work through any fear or uncertainty they might be having. On the other side of the spectrum, if they do not understand the gravity of the situation and its impact across the globe, we’re not preparing them for just how dangerous things can get. The important thing is we need to walk alongside our kids right now and help them understand how to best handle what’s happening in the world.
4. Occasionally take a break from the news.
If there’s one thing that is NOT lacking during these challenging times is news and information. Even as a self-admitted news junkie, I can’t get over just how many different ways the pandemic, and its impact, are being covered. When the news of the virus first started to take shape in China, I read everything I could. As it took hold in North America, and we began to understand what “severe disruptions to everyday life” looked like, I found myself reading the news incessantly. I also realized I was feeling more and more anxious.
I could feel my heart rate increasing, and I was becoming consumed by the “what ifs” of this thing. That’s when I realized I needed a break. I forced myself to occasionally not read the news online, not check social media, and not to think too hard about what was going on in the world. I buried my head in the sand for a day. And I felt better as a result. As a husband and father, it’s my duty to protect my family, so I need to stay informed, but I also knew I needed to take a mental break from all the doom and gloom. If you find yourself facing the same kind of media onslaught and accompanying worry, try to take a day off from current events as much as possible. Even the “experts” agree to beware of ‘media overload’ during the coronavirus crisis!
5. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.
One of the underlying principles of being a good dad and mom is sacrifice. We sacrifice our time, our finances, and sometimes even our health if it means our kids are better off. This does not mean we always put our kids’ needs above our own. It’s just that we know being a good parent requires hard work and sacrifice at times. Even so, more than ever we need to be prepared as dads to do some heavy lifting.
In other words, we need to manage our stress, stay healthy, and take care of ourselves during these tumultuous times so we can, in turn, take care of our family. This may seem like another obvious suggestion. Instead, take it as an encouragement to get out and exercise, to adhere to the “social distancing” guidelines, to eat well, and to commit to thriving and not just surviving. This includes our mental health. Many of our standard processes for handling stress and recharging our batteries have been upended like attending worship services, hanging out with buddies, or even giving hugs to extended family. It may take some creativity and adjustment, but we need to work at taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.
In Closing
These are unprecedented times for humanity, our Nation, and our families. As life during the pandemic grinds on, people across the country are trying to discern what the future “normal” will look like while struggling with the challenges of today. No matter the answer, as fathers, we know our job of leading and loving our kids will continue to be our priority.
I hope these ideas and suggestions are an encouragement to you as dads and men. Just like about all things relative to parenting, there are no real secrets to success. There are only guys trying to love and lead their families. There only men never stopping trying to get it right.
Parenting in these challenging times never stops, so keep it up dads because you’re making a difference!
Jeff
Thanks, Jeff, for your perspective. Be well!