Our Moral Compass Matters

Finding Our North

Long before there were global positioning systems and Google maps, travelers and explorers used compasses to find their way. The key to using a compass to navigate was reasonably simple: the arrow pointed to the magnetic north pole. From there, the navigator could determine the direction they wanted to go. It didn’t matter if it was cloudy, dark, or pouring rain – the compass showed the traveler north whether on land or sea.

Our moral compasses are not much different. Or at least they shouldn’t be. Our moral compasses are the guiding principles and values that enable us to navigate through the difficult terrain of life. They point “north” to truth, stability, and fidelity. When properly calibrated, our moral compasses enable us to move from where we are to where we want to be. Without one, we leave ourselves open to the strong winds of temptations, short-cuts, and excuses.

So what happens when a compass loses its ability to find north? Or what can happen when we do not pay attention to our moral compass? Unfortunately, in recent weeks I have learned of very close friends whose moral compasses failed them. Perhaps a more accurate way to explain it is they ignored their moral compasses. The end result was they ended up compromising their integrity. As a result, one is fighting for his marriage, and one is fighting for his career. By not following their moral compass, they lost their way.

Lessons Learned

Many moons ago, as a young Marine lieutenant, I was taught how to navigate across fairly large swaths of unforgiving terrain using just a map and a compass. To do so effectively, we were instructed on how to compensate for variations in the earth’s magnetic field and apply an offset to our headings. The key was knowing how to use our compasses and how to read the maps. If either component was off, we were destined to get lost.

As I reflected recently on the idea of a moral compass, including my own, and compared it to the lessons I learned over two decades ago on using a real compass, I realized there are some profound similarities. In the spirit of encouraging and challenging other men, I thought I’d share a few of those lessons learned.

Deviating just a few degrees from my intended direction didn’t matter at first, but eventually, I would find myself way off course.

Land navigation is not particularly difficult in concept. Even so, in practical applications, it can be very challenging. Nowhere is this more evident than when starting off from a known point with a compass and map certain of your path only to find yourself hopelessly lost just an hour later because your heading (or “azimuth”) was off by just a couple of degrees.

So goes our journey in life if we’re off by just a few degrees. Innocent flirting with a coworker can turn into a marriage-ending affair. Using work funds for a personal purchase with the intention to repay it later morphs into criminal theft, embezzlement, and fraud. A beer or two after a hard day’s work becomes dependency and alcoholism. The permutations of being just a few degrees “off” are endless.

We do not intend to get lost morally or spiritually, but we can because we do not pay attention to our intended direction. We allow ourselves to drift from our intended path. And we soon find ourselves in a place we did not intend and often times in a position from which we cannot return unscathed.

If I didn’t take a few extra minutes to study the map, carefully plot my points, and formulate a plan I would likely lose hours of time making up for it.

During each land navigation training session, we were given a series of locations using an 8-digit number. To properly prepare for the timed event required meticulous pin-pointing of the location using a square “protractor” and a push pin. You could rush the process, but later you would realize your measurements were off by dozens of meters, your “point” on the map equated to the size of a baseball infield, and the route you intended to take was a sheer cliff in reality.

Similarly, in our relationship with our spouses and our children, if we don’t take some time to carefully and intentionally spend time with them, our communication, trust, and intimacy can suffer. We think we can just figure it out on the fly, but what we communicate is a lack of admiration and love. We come home for dinner and ask how everyone’s day went, but in reality, we are distracted by work, hobbies, or recreational pursuits. We’ll spend hundreds of dollars on new golf clubs, but not a cent on flowers for our wives “just because.”

We had better be intentional with our journey of marriage and fatherhood, or like the rushed lieutenant, we’ll lose our way. When we set out on our paths of marriage, and even parenthood, we think we have all the time in the world. We do not. One day we wake up, and our kids are young adults who are too big to pick-up and carry to bed. (For those of you with small children at home, consider this paradox: You’ll never know when the last time you pick up kids will be!) Instead, be an intentional parent who plans and makes time for his family and his marriage. You cannot slow time, but you can surely make the most of it.

Being too fixated on just the compass and my intended plan could cause me to miss what the terrain was telling me.

While trouncing through the forest, if the map showed my intended point was in a draw (a low spot between two hills), but I never stopped to look up and appreciate the terrain, I could walk right past the marker. If I suddenly came upon a small creek and walked through it because my head was down looking only at the compass, I would not recognize I had gone too far and needed to turn around.

These situations became particularly dangerous if my compass was not working correctly. If the compass was “off” or broken, and I ignored the terrain around me, I was destined to get lost. So goes our moral compasses. We might think we’re doing the right thing and fixate on our own decisions, reasoning, and “logic” when in fact our friends, our co-workers, and most importantly our families (the “terrain” around us) indicate we’re way off course.

For example, we start to have lunch regularly with an attractive coworker thinking everything is fine, but our buddies warn us against developing a relationship. Or perhaps we fail to report suspicious expenditures by the boss because we want his endorsement for the next promotion, even though our conscience screams at us something is not right with the budget. Again, we’re ignoring the terrain around us, and our compass is not functioning correctly.

Keeping Our Compasses Calibrated

All three principles above show there are pitfalls to successfully navigating the real world. It is not enough to merely state, “Don’t make those mistakes.” Instead, it might be beneficial to quickly cover a few ways in which husbands and dads can keep their moral compasses calibrated, and their eyes focused both on the horizon and on the compass. Like the navigation tactics taught to new lieutenants to keep them from being completely lost, here are a few ways to keep us men-folk from becoming M.I.A.

Have “guiding features.”

These are easy-to-identify features, both on the map and in the terrain, that keep you on track. For example, if you’re trying to move north and you know there’s a significant stream that runs north-south on the map, as long as you keep the flow to your right, you’re heading in the general direction you need to.

In the real world, a guiding feature might be a friend who isn’t afraid to ask you the tough questions. (And to whom you give permission to do so.) Knowing your buddy is going to ask you on Monday morning, “Hey brother! How was the weekend? Did you give in and look at porn? And don’t lie to me!” can be a powerful “guiding feature” to keep you on track.

They can also be specific rules like no internet after the family has gone to bed, no closed-door meetings with coworkers of the opposite gender, or no using cash just so your wife can’t track your spending, etc. In other words, a “guiding feature” is something on the map that helps keep you heading in the right direction without micro-managing you.

Similarly, have “catching features.”

These are easy-to-identify features that tell you that you’ve gone too far in a particular direction and you need to reassess your position, or you’ll be too far lost to recover. For example, it might be a paved roadway on the map, and if you cross it, you know you’ve passed the place you’re trying to find.

For someone struggling with flirtatious behavior, this might be recognizing that an “innocent” private message to a coworker or old flame via social media means you’ve gone too far. Once you’ve done it, you resolve to sever ties with that person on social media or if needed, allow your spouse complete access to your social media accounts (this might also be viewed as a type of “guiding feature.”)

Or if you struggle with anger issues, a catching feature is when your spouse informs you your outburst over missed homework has frightened your children. You’re committed to addressing the problem, so you schedule an appointment with a therapist to wrestle your anger to the ground. In other words, a catching feature is a red line you do not want to cross and when you do, you take actions to fix things.

Safeguard your compass and your maps.

Thus far, we’ve only referenced navigating during the daytime. Trying to do so at night is an entirely different problem. At night, there are only two components to success: following your azimuth and knowing how far you’ve walked. It requires the intrepid individual to walk in a specific direction for a particular distance. The only way to accomplish this is to keep your compass and maps close. Without either, there’s no chance for success.

For the modern-day man who finds himself balancing his husband, father, colleague, teammate, partner roles this equates to protecting his navigation tools: his heart, mind, and soul. Maybe this means reading books and listening to podcasts that encourage you as a husband, father, colleague and professional. For sure it should include staying grounded in your faith by attending worship, studying holy books, and praying or meditating to remain connected to one’s faith. In other words, a man must safeguard his moral compass if he wants to use it to find the path on which he should be.

In Closing

The idea of a moral compass can be controversial because we all think ours is adequately calibrated and pointing in the correct direction. The reality is there are significant variations in our compasses just like there are variations in the earth’s magnetic fields depending on your location.

Even so, there is something to be said for husbands, fathers, boyfriends, and colleagues agreeing to the fact our lives should be governed by a higher order of things. How we define this depends significantly on our upbringing, emotional intelligence, and ethos. No matter the result, we recognize our moral compasses require both our attention and our respect so that we can use them to keep on track as husbands, fathers, and men.

If you are determined to keep your moral compass true and pointing in the right direction, consider joining the Suburban Dads community. We’re still figuring things out, but one thing we know is it takes brothers and like-minded dads to keep our pointer seeking North! Fill out the form below and know we’re in this thing called fatherhood together!

Keep it up, dads. You’re making a difference!

Jeff