Parenting Wisdom Thanks to the Military

While surveying social media and the mainstream press over the weekend, I observed a host of tributes and stories about Veteran’s Day. That’s the way it should be. There were some great ones. What I didn’t see though was how being a veteran and serving in the military has impacted men as parents. Since this site is all about being superb dads and husbands, I began to think about how my time as a Marine has influenced me as a father.

I’ve mentioned the impact it had in some ways, like when our youngest was born while I was in Iraq. But then I began to wonder if there were other “lessons learned” from my time in uniform that have impacted me as a dad? I’m sure there are others of which I’m just not aware, but here are a few to which other dads (and moms!) might relate, especially if they are a veteran.

It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that matters.

When I assumed command of my first platoon, I was nervous. And I was ecstatic! The gravity of the moment was not lost on me.  I was being given the privilege of leading a diverse group of Marines who had volunteered to serve.

So who were these men? They were a slice of America. They were from rural Georgia and suburban Pennsylvania. The platoon included an immigrant from Ecuador and a redneck from North Carolina. There were seasoned veterans of older wars, and there were brand new eighteen-year-olds who couldn’t grow a mustache if they tried. And they were amazing.

These men were unique and amazing not just because of their color, ethnicity, accent or even their aptitudes.  Simply put, they were wonderful because of their character and their commitment. They taught me this simple, but powerful, lesson about humanity, “It’s not what’s on the outside that matters, it’s what’s on the inside.”

As we’ve raised our kids, we’ve tried to teach them this by example and through conversations. It is impossible to entirely escape bias, but we hope our children judge a person by their character and their deeds and not by any number of exterior indicia.

The military rewards performance above all else. Performance comes from internal factors like self-discipline, integrity, heart, and character.  As a father, I want my kids to exhibit the same internal attributes regardless of what is on the outside. And I want them to evaluate others on the same criteria.

Core values can be taught.

Ask any Marine, officer or enlisted, what the Corps’ core values are and they’ll immediately cite them:  Honor, Courage, and Commitment. How does a military branch of nearly 200,000 men and women assimilate a disparate collection of Americans and give them a unifying ethos?  Core values are where it starts.

Intentional parenting isn’t much different. We do our best to instill in our children core values from the time they can grab and crawl. We work to teach them respect, kindness, honesty, hard work, and love.  Here’s a great article from Parenting on the issue. But whether we realize it or not, we ARE instilling core values in our kids, so the hope is they are the right kind.

Marines are taught about putting others before themselves from the first moments of boot camp or officer candidate school. They are taught it’s not about the Marine, but the mission and the unit. Those that cannot wrap their minds around this don’t last.

For our kids, this looks a little different, but not entirely. They learn that while we respect and admire their individuality, they are part of a team. When one of our teenage children doesn’t do their assigned chores, we have to remind them of their shared responsibility to the family (a.k.a. the unit).  It doesn’t always work, but taking away their phone seems to help reinforce the lesson. Over time they hear repeatedly, “We’re on the same team.” We hope it sinks in.

Shared misery builds camaraderie.

The military cracked this code a long time ago. One of the best glimpses into military life and an era of incredible Americans is “Band of Brothers.” I can’t count how many times I’ve watched it. (If you haven’t seen it, make it a priority to do so.)  The series tells the story of Easy Company, 506th Regiment of the 101st Airborne Division in days leading up to D-Day in World War II.

The first episode gives a glimpse into the phenomenon that suffering together bonds soldiers in a way unlike any other. In fact, this is a reoccurring theme throughout the series. This is one of the things that bonds all veterans together. And yes, this applies to parenting.

I am not advocating taking your kids on a 12-mile hike with no water and a full backpack (see episode one), however, I think there is something to be said for shared, hard experiences. Maybe this looks like shoveling a mountain of rock from the driveway to the backyard together.  Or a camping trip in the rain where everyone and everything gets wet. Those are times and memories our kids remember precisely because they were challenging AND you endured them together.

Teamwork is not a cliché.

I’ve talked about this before when discussing parenting as a team sport. It applies here as well. The military is made up of massive divisions, groups, and fleets of people and machines.  Yet at its root, it is made up of countless small teams and units.

I was fortunate to be a platoon commander of twenty Marines as a relatively junior officer and then later with forty-five Marines in Iraq as a seasoned officer.  Both experiences were amazing. I was able to be a part of team of great men who were committed to the mission, taking care of one another, and enjoying some antics along the way.

Isn’t that a lot like our families? We are inextricably bound together, yet we are all very different.  Somehow we come together to form a team to work through this thing called life together. At times this means subjugating our individual goals for what’s best for the family.  Other times it means the family sacrifices for the individual.  At its root, the military is about teamwork. The longer I am a parent, the more I think this holds true for families as well.

The mission must be achieved.

There is saying among Marine leaders, “Mission first, Marines always.” To unpack this might take a few paragraphs, however, to summarize it is simple: We must accomplish the mission because others depend on us and we must do so keeping our men and women in mind as the most precious resource we have. Again, as a dad this lesson holds true.

I will do whatever it takes to lead, protect, and provide for my family. That is my mission. And I will fight for my wife and children with every ounce of being I have. I will not, however, lose sight of the fact that my children may choose a destructive lifestyle or make unwise life choices that could jeopardize their own well-being or the family as a whole. At that point, parenting gets very complicated.

What might this look like? I know several families that have seen their children struggle with addiction. The parents never stop loving their kids.  At some point though, they are forced to make their addicted adult child move out so as not to endanger the rest of the family. This also often forces a decision point for the addict. Sadly this is a reality across the country as opioids have invaded our communities. There are other permutations, but I think you get the idea.

The military trains us we must accomplish the mission even when that means we might have to take casualties. I hope and pray the terms are never as stark in our families. Instead let’s work towards moving our families towards lives of fulfillment, purpose, and beauty. That’s a mission I think we can all get behind.

Closing Thoughts

One of the powerful things about national holidays is they can cause us to stop and reflect. This is especially true on days like Veterans Day and Memorial Day. I think this is because all Americans, whether they have served in the military or not, recognize there is a unique and powerful substance to those that have.

I am proud to have served as my father and grandfather before me. And now my son is embarking on his own military journey. Perhaps it’s in our DNA. What I also hope is hard-wired into my coding is an ability to take many of the lessons and experiences from my time in uniform and apply them to my role as a husband, father, and community member.

Dads who have served will probably understand these few tenets. My hope is even those dads and husbands who have not served will get something from them. Similar to the military building a common experience for a very disparate group of people, fatherhood binds us all to many of the same challenges and struggles.  Let’s work through them together.

Keep at it dads!  You’re making a difference.

Cheers,

Jeff