Live Like You Were Dying

Scary Uncertainty

Ok fellas, time to keep it real.  This one is tough to write, not because I don’t know what to say, but because no matter what I type, my words will be inadequate to describe what was going on for several weeks in my mind. Cue Tim McGraw’s song, Live Like You Were Dying because I was facing some significantly scary uncertainty.

During the course of several weeks these past couple of months, I found myself thinking hard about life, death, and everything in between. You see, I had a health scare that sort of put life on hold for me. Ok, for us. I was in the strange land where one waits for test results while pondering what fork in the road ahead I was going to have to take.

It was a cloudy few weeks, which is why I want to write about it. I don’t want to forget about what I was thinking. And I want you to know that if and when you face a similar storm, you’re not alone.

Worry, Then Relief

When you tell your doctor what’s going on and he suddenly looks worried, you get worried. Then when he orders a battery of exams, labs, and specialists, you get really worried. Then when you finally tell your wife what’s going on and she sees the concern in your eyes, you go beyond worried. And you cry together. You get real.

After a few weeks of tests, samples, exams, and specialists, it appears all is “normal”. BIG exhale! And maybe a little happy-dance to go along with it!?! “Take two of these a day for three weeks and all should be normal in the world again”, says the doctor. Premature and dramatic overreaction initially? Yep, but that’s where my mind went.

It also went to the place where a man wonders if his life mattered, if he’s been a good husband and father and if he’s done what he should have as a human being during this brief thing called “life”.  In the midst of the worry, I found myself hyper-focused pondering life, its uncertainty, and the reality of death.

What Matters Most

It took me a couple of weeks to tell my wife about the worries because I didn’t want to worry her. (Most of my family still has no idea we went through this storm unless they are reading this.) In those few days, I felt really alone. I thought of my friend who has faced cancer three times as a single dad. My respect for him grew enormously knowing he had to face a real uncertainty alone. Up to this point, my “uncertainty” was just a possibility.

During that period of time, my love for my bride of nearly twenty-five years deepened, even more, when I considered what might lie in store for her. I’ve been to war when the uncertainty of life was a reality, but something about this was different. “Over there” death is a possibility, but not a likelihood. That’s not the case in what I thought I might be facing.

My emotions ranged from anger to confusion to sadness. As a man of faith, I didn’t doubt my beliefs about death – I just didn’t want to deal with them this early in life. Even so, I’d be lying if I didn’t say my spirituality and faith were a bit unsettled. I did a pretty good job of hiding my inner turmoil, but make no mistake, I was rattled. And sad.

Sadness and Selfishness

What made me sad was the thought of missed memories including weddings, grandkids, retirement, golden years, etc. You get the picture.

Unfortunately, we have some first-hand experiences in this area. My wife was seventeen when her mom died. One of my best friends from high school died when we were 21. My younger brother died at 19 years old and my dad when he was only 57. And I have several friends who never came home from “over there”. Shit. Sorry, but that’s how it feels to write all that down.

So there I was in the middle of being middle-aged with four kids, happily married and definitely not done living, yet I was facing the possibility that my life was about to take a drastic turn for the worse. I know it happens to thousands of other people every day; I just did not want to be one of those people. Selfish, I know, particularly in light of recent news at home and abroad, but that’s where I was.

Closing Thoughts

Though I’m only a couple of weeks removed from the experience, I’ve already found myself numbing to the raw emotion and experience of the “what if?” Instead, I want to be thankful and let this turbulence help refocus my priorities.  One of my axioms of life has always been, “To whom much is given, much is required.” I know I have been given much and now again, I’ve been given the gift of increased perspective.

So where do you turn when life kicks you in the crotch or punches you in the jaw? Never had that happen? Awesome! But know it will someday. Then what? Like another axiom of life, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Ok, maybe it’s more of a guy code thing, but it’s the truth. Ask yourself, “Then what?”

The truth is I wasn’t really punched in the face – it was more of an “almost punch”, but it made me flinch. And now after flinching, I’m asking myself some hard questions. The answers are reaffirming that what matters most are my faith, my family, my friends, and my purpose on planet Earth.

Hell, I might even go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu.

Keep it up, dads! You’re making a difference!

Cheers,

Jeff