We had a tornado blow through our home recently. Not literally, thankfully. And no one was injured, although they might have been if things had gone just slightly differently. No, this tornado was very localized and I would venture to say it has struck in other homes on occasion.
This kind of tornado, unlike the real ones that take down houses and destroys lives, normally rolls through families without breaking anything. Although they have been known to cause physical damages, too. Even so, these storms can devastate relationships, wipe out trust, destroy peace and create chaos in a family.
The tornado that impacted our family this week was a massive emotional and behavioral outburst by one of our kids. Now at some point, all kids throw “temper tantrums” or misbehave when things don’t go their way.
Is That YOUR Kid?
Every dad has had “that kid” in the middle of a Home Depot aisle or the grocery store parking lot at some point in our parent’dom. That’s not a tornado. In comparison, that’s a two-minute sprinkling of rain. Nope, this kind of tornado is a meltdown of epic proportion – the kind where 911 gets called.
Why would I admit this in such a public forum? Because this is life fellas and life isn’t the sterilized version we see on social media or get at work when we ask, “How was your weekend?” and our coworker says, “Fine.”
Nope, life is messy and it’s complicated. If you’re ever going to trust me and really believe what this site is about, then I’m going to have to be real about our life and parenting. This week, it all got a little sideways for our family.
How Do Tornadoes Start Anyways?
These figurative tornadoes, like the real ones, cannot be precisely predicted or forecasted. But like the real ones, there are some preexisting conditions that cause them. In our case, the tornado was caused by an underlying mental health condition in one of our kids.
We are the grateful and proud parents of four children. This also means the odds are against us in one aspect. Like so many families out there, we are affected by mental illness. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 20% of 13-18-year-olds live with a mental health condition. [Infographic.] So it should come as no surprise that when you have a big family or a history of mental illness in the family, that one of your kids will be affected by it. Which means by extension, your entire family will be affected by it.
Our child’s condition is not debilitating, and it is nowhere near as severe as so many other afflictions with which families must struggle. But nonetheless, it has contributed to so many storms in our family that it has become part of our family narrative. We sense the storm approaching, and we hope it is not developing into a tornado. Thankfully, in recent months we’ve had very little storm activity. Maybe this is a reason the one that wreaked havoc on our family this week was so severe? We’re still diagnosing it.
Wisdom from Our Storms
As we put out the “all clear” call this week after the storm, I realized we’ve learned some valuable lessons about how to deal with these outbursts. My hope is by sharing these lessons with other dads and families you can better survive your own family tornadoes or better assist your neighbors and friends when they hit their homes.
So how can dads and moms deal with these emotional or behavioral tornadoes? Just like we would deal with the real kind – we prepare for them, we hunker down when they strike, we survey the damage when it’s over, we clean-up and rebuild, and we share any lessons learned.
1. Prepare for the Storm
If you live in “tornado alley” in the Midwest, or the Eastern Seaboard in the Fall, or in the Northeast in the Winter, you know there is a high likelihood of a raging storm of some form or fashion. So you prepare for them. You stock up on essential supplies and discuss contingencies. You have an evacuation plan or a shelter-in-place plan. You prepare.
In families where there are conditions that lend themselves to massive outbursts, you prepare by discussing the issue with family members. If the child’s behaviors tend to become violent or destructive, you mitigate the risks by removing as many dangerous objects as possible. You also might want to discuss the “worst case” scenarios.
Talk with your spouse, and perhaps your child, where the “do-not-cross” line is. For example, if your child’s outburst turns into violence, against others or themselves, everyone needs to know the line has been crossed and you as the dad will do what is necessary to prevent anyone from getting hurt. Even if that means calling 911, taking them to a crisis center or emergency room, or even physically securing them to prevent them from harming themselves or others. I understand this may be a bit controversial, but there’s nothing “normal” about these storms.
As preparation moves towards anticipation, parents and families would also be wise to sense the conditions. Scientists can help explain how and why tornadoes form, but they cannot accurately predict precisely when and where. This is amazingly similar to the emotional and behavioral explosions.
For us, we know that if our child misses their medications on any given day, we’re likely to have a storm front form two days later. Unfortunately, unlike hurricanes, which normally provide communities days to prepare, these behavioral and emotional flare-ups can arrive within minutes. Even so, by looking back on previous incidents, we can often discover triggers, aggravating factors, and reasons that all the right conditions formed to bring about the high winds and rough seas.
2. Hunker Down When It Arrives
After preparing and fearing the storm’s arrival, there’s only one thing to do when it arrives – hunker down. Everyone’s safety comes first. The most scared we’ve ever been as parents is when the behavior started to move towards mention of suicide. This is no time to play around. Parents must get the police involved even it means relinquishing some control over the outcome of the incident. This is no joke friends. When the waves are coming over the bow or the winds are ripping open the roof, dads have to make the tough calls.
As the tornado rages around your family, it is imperative you keep these words in mind, “This too shall pass.” Every storm ends. (Let’s just hope it’s not one of those 40-day rain storms!) Somehow when these things have hit our family my wife and have taken different roles. One of us might be the angry parent while the other one remains the calm one. Interestingly, during the next storm, we might trade roles. I suppose it has to do with how well we were prepared individually for that particular storm? Or maybe after years of being married one of us senses what the other one is feeling and makes an effort not to give into the emotion.
Speaking of emotion, I encourage all parents, but especially dads, to limit emotional language at the height of the storm. I’m not a scientist, but I think it’s safe to say yelling, cussing or throwing things into the storm will not affect it in the least. In fact, it will likely make it worse when spoken words or items come flinging back at you. I wish I could report I’ve always heeded my own advice. Nope. In fact, there have been some things that came out of my mouth that I swore I would never say. Not my finest hour as a dad for sure. Just be prepared to apologize for it and learn from it.
3. Survey the Damage
As the storm winds down and your child’s head stops spinning in circles, it’s time to survey the damage. Hopefully, the house is still standing. Check in with your spouse and gets the thumbs up. (The middle-finger-up is NOT the same thing.) We have found that our child often returns to center fairly quickly. Not so much for us.
You may need to take a walk, go for a drive, or just put yourself in “time out” as you figure out how you’re feeling. If your wife is the one needing a break and you weathered this storm more intact than her, allow her some time to decompress. It might be just letting her (and maybe you) having a good cry.
The body has an incredible defense against stress as it ups the adrenaline output, heightens senses, and prepares for the fight, flight, or freeze phenomenon depending on the type of stress. When the storm passes though, all that “stuff” has to go somewhere and the adrenaline dump can feel like a 600-lb gorilla is on your back. Recognize it for what it is – post-storm processing – and do what you must to get back to something close to normal.
The same goes for any other children in the home. Make no mistake; they WILL be affected by these storms. Unfortunately, we’ve seen a long-term negative impact on the relationships between some of our children because of these storms. As I mentioned, the storms have become part of our family narrative. Ask your kids how they are feeling about the storm. Reassure them you are still a family and a team. We have also found it useful to help them remember that in our case, there are some brain chemistry issues beyond our control that contribute to the storms.
Lastly, don’t forget to look your child who rode the storm in like the Wicked Witch of the East in the eye and tell them you love them. Don’t minimize their responsibility in the matter; just reassure them their actions do not define them or your love for them. That’s some powerful parenting there!
4. Clean Up the Mess and Rebuild
After getting a sense of the extent of the tornado’s damage, it is time to start cleaning up and rebuilding. Most of us wouldn’t rebuild our own roof if it were torn from the rafters. We would seek out a professional to do it. And let insurance pay for it hopefully! The same goes for after a catastrophic meltdown. Seek out professional counseling and/or mental health providers.
Part of cleaning up and rebuilding also means learning from the experience and improving (i.e. preparing) for next time. As parents come to realize their child has an issue beyond normal temper tantrums they will first want to understand what is really going on with their child. Experience also taught us everyone will want to help you diagnose the problem – especially family and friends. They mean well and they are wonderful to have around when the storms are raging. It just gets a bit overwhelming when there are trees are all over the ground, and instead of picking up a chainsaw they comment on how you shouldn’t have planted them so close to the house. You get the idea.
Another part of cleaning up is acknowledging the healing does not come immediately. It is impossible to clean up and rebuild a home in a few days. This applies literally and figuratively. Every family member is going to be affected by the tornado a little differently. Even the child who WAS the storm. Keep talking with them. Keep reassuring everyone these storms do not define a person or your family. It is just a part of life, and you’ll get through them as a family. This is where dad-leadership is necessary and powerful.
Another element of cleaning up is not to be ashamed. Let’s face it, no one wants to admit we had a storm rip through the house. We don’t want our friends, family, or co-workers to judge our parenting or worse, judge us. That was us at one point. We’re so over it now.
5. Share Your Lessons Learned
I hate the cliché, but I’ll use it here: It is what it is. I have found the more open and honest I am with my colleagues, friends, and family, the more I have come to learn they have their own storms. Sometimes they look just like our family tornadoes while other times they are more like massive category 5 hurricanes that result in irreparable damage. Still, others are just starting to admit there might be something “wrong” with a child, but they’ve been too ashamed to ask for help. Or they don’t know where to start.
That’s where the potential of camaraderie and brotherhood are massive forces for good. For those that have been through a storm or two, and rebuilt each time, they can now share with others what they have learned – good and bad. They can tell others not to let the possibility of a storm rob them of joy and happiness during good weather. They can share their survival stories with family and friends and let them know they are invaluable partners in preparing and weathering the storms. Dads who know how to lead their families through the storms are what every family and every community need.
After this most recent storm I’ve had several people ask, “How are things?” or “How is your child doing?” I just smile and tell them we’re through the storm and we’re rebuilding.
Closing Thoughts
This site is committed to helping dads navigate life in ‘burbs. Sometimes this means having a laugh and a beer – figuratively or literally. At other times, this means sharing ways to be better dads, husbands, friends, and neighbors. Then there are the occasions when we need to be transparent and vulnerable with the hope of encouraging or reassuring one another.
This post is one of those times. I hope it has equipped you to better deal with your tornadoes and perhaps encouraged you that you do not need to endure them alone.
Please feel free to leave any comments below. If you’re serious about wanting to join in on the conversation, consider joining our Facebook page (@suburbandads.net). We also just launched a closed group so dads can discuss these issues openly and honestly. You can jump over to Facebook or fill-in the form below and in the comment section, tell us you’d like to join the conversation in the Facebook group. I’d be honored if you’d join me.
Cheers,
Jeff
