An Unexpected Twist

Life is full of twists and turns.  Some put us on a path for which we are thankful.  Still others turn us around and point us towards struggle and defeat.  Just before sixth grade, my life – and my mom’s and brother’s – underwent a significant twist.  In fact, it was a life-changing event.  Thankfully, it was a massively positive turn of events.  It was when my mom married my stepfather who in turn became my dad.

To be fair, I didn’t always call him dad.  It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I really embraced the term even though he earned the title years before.  For years I called him by his first name.  At the time it seemed like the right thing to do.  It was just too confusing having a “real” dad and a “stepfather”.  In hindsight, it wasn’t much of a comparison.

Don’t get me wrong.  I loved my father and I knew he loved us.  He just loved the bottle as well.  More than he should have.  It also didn’t help that growing up in rural America his own dad never said, “I love you” or “I’m proud of you”.  He did his best being a divorced dad to us.  And damn if I don’t miss him.  He just had a lot of emotional scar tissue and rough edges that prevented him from being the dad he could have been.

Moving Away from Stepfather Towards “Dad”

My father knew my step dad, the man I now call dad and whom my kids call “Grandpa”, was a good man who loved us as well.  I don’t think he’s ever not loved us. Even when I didn’t recognize it, he was loving us.  He was a familiar site in the stands of my high school games.  Or should I say, his voice was a familiar sound.  Much to the chagrin to referees I might add!  He would even leave work early to make it to my away games.  I enjoyed having him in the stands.  Looking back, I should have savored it.

It was a bit of rocky start when my step dad entered our lives.  It’s just a little weird when you’re a grade school boy and your mom starts dating.  If you’ve been through something similar, you know what I mean.  It took a couple of years, but eventually the man that would become my stepfather, and in reality my dad, won my mom over.  It took awhile, but he won us over, too.

Blended Families are Hard

The most important thing my stepfather did for my brother and for me was genuinely loving my mom.  That’s where I first learned the most valuable gift I can give my children is to love their mother.  Now he’s teaching his grandkids about loving their grandma.  (That’s a little weird to write by the way!) The other fantastic result of my step dad coming into our lives was the addition of a brother and sister.  When you’re in junior high and high school, it can strain a family having step-anything.  When you’re an adult though, they become real family.

I know that for my stepbrother and stepsister life was hard at a time their dad was learning to be a dad to two other kids five hundred miles away.  We’ve all shared some drinks and some memories on the issue since then.  And I am eternally grateful they are now as much a part of our lives as any blood-relative.  This was driven home even more forcibly when my kid brother died unexpectedly when the three of us were in our early 20s.  Without them, my life would be severely lacking.  Like their dad who became my dad, they became my brother and sister.  To hell with the “step”!

Five Lessons Learned

So how did a stranger become one of the most important men in my life?  By moving from stranger to stepfather to dad.  Here are a few things he demonstrated that changed my life then and now.  For those suburban dads out there who are trying to navigate the waters of step-kids and a second marriage, you’d be well served to emulate a few of them.

1.  Be patient.

The kids of your new spouse are likely going to take their time trusting you and loving you.  And even longer letting you know they do either.  There are so many different circumstances surrounding divorces or separations it is impossible to predict what might work to show your family you love them.  If you’re patient in doing so though, they’ll see your genuine love for them.

2.  Love their mom, but don’t push her away from her kids.

This is a balancing act for sure.  It’s a tough one to show them she is your priority while acknowledging her children are still mostly “hers” and not yet “yours”.  Work hard to show you’re now a family and a team.  Your commitment to the health of the family and not just the marriage will reassure them.  When my step dad came into our lives he started with dating my mom, but eventually he “dated” my brother and me as well with family trips, dinners together, and a genuine interest in us.

3.  Don’t underestimate the turmoil her kids are undergoing.

In the 80s I don’t recall the mention of counselors or therapists.  As the father of a child with some heavy emotional issues (see my previous post!) I now believe in their utility.  Again, every family situation is different, but it’s more likely than not the kids can use someone to talk through their new life.  This is particularly true when there’s a son in the house.  Boys with single moms learn to be protectors and the “man of the house” when there is no dad around.  Enter a man courting their mom and suddenly the young guardian faces a host of mixed emotions and uncertainty.  This is why #2 above is critical when young men are part of the equation.

4.  Love with words and deeds.

Regardless if the children’s father is still in the picture or not, or a good dad or not when he is, you’re going to have to both show and tell your new kids how much you love them.  Don’t be disingenuous though.  Let them know how glad and excited you are at being a new family and then show them you mean it.  I mentioned it before, but my step dad was at nearly every one of my sporting events.  Over time I came to realize that was one way he showed me his love.  He was also never afraid to say, “I love you”.  Why some dads are astonishes me.  Even today, he is an active part of our lives and our kids’ lives.  We are blessed to have them close to us.  We realize not everyone has that luxury.

5.  Don’t be afraid to be the dad.

In a blended marriage there can be a tendency to let her discipline her kids and you discipline yours.  This might work in the short term, but in the long run it undermines the “team”.  Consistent, fair, equitable rules and enforcement are critical to every family.  It’s no different for blended families.  One of the more memorable instances of this in our family, and the source of an occasional chuckle when it’s mentioned, is when my step dad picked up my tempter-tantrum-throwing brother, threw him over his shoulder like a rug, and carried him to the car to put him in time out while we were on a family trip.  There was no doubt at that point who was the dad!

These are just five suggestions, perhaps bordering on admonishments, for any dad that finds themselves in the new role of stepfather.  If that’s you, your goal should be to become just “dad” like my stepfather did.

Closing Thoughts

As a result of my mom marrying my dad all those years ago, my life trajectory was changed forever.  I moved to a small town in northern California where I was loved and where I was able to pursue my life’s goals.  I was fortunate enough to attend the Naval Academy and have the support to get there and succeed there.  I met my wife in that small town.  (And that utterly changed my life for the better!)  And now I have a dad who loves my mom and my kids have a fantastic grandpa that loves us all.

I am in large part the man I am today because of my stepfather who became my dad.  Thank you for that.

I love you and Happy Birthday!