Teaching Our Kids Courage
A few weeks ago my high school-aged daughter approached me concerned. A friend of hers had relayed to her a social media message that inferred a student was going to exact violence upon her school. Sadly, this is a reality in today’s day and age. She was not overly concerned, but I could sense some uncertainty in her tone. I reassured her precautions were in place to prevent such a thing from happening. We talked about why she needed to go to school because we were not going to allow a threat to keep us from living life. I reminded her courage takes place in small increments. She took it well and went off to school.
My wife and I are not reckless with the lives of our children as some might infer from sending our kids to school in the face of a threat of violence. In fact, many parents kept their kids home until the issue was fully resolved. I don’t fault those parents, but I do think they are teaching their kids the wrong thing. My wife and I decided long ago we would not allow fear to dominate our lives. We wanted to instill in our children the trait of courage even in the face of adversity and danger. Thinking about it, when else does courage really manifest itself?
As fathers and parents, there are certain character traits we want to impart to our kids. We do so because we know life will eventually challenge them. When it does, we want them to be prepared to push through it. We do not want them to hunker down at home and await the “all clear.” We want them to survive the challenge. Many of these attributes are derived from our world view and our own upbringing. Yet, some traits are universal. One of these values is courage. The importance of teaching our children courage cannot be overstated.
Moral Courage is Difficult
One of my favorite movies of all time is “Courageous.” It was not a mainstream movie, yet it embodied courage on several fronts and by multiple characters. It is the story of law enforcement officers facing challenges across the spectrum of fear and danger. The heartbeat of the film centers on men confronting physical danger as well as moral and spiritual uncertainty. What makes it so compelling for those attuned to its message is the reality that dads must sometimes stand in the gap between good and evil. If they do not, the consequences can be irreversible. The film showcases men displaying immense courage in the face of great danger and in doing, so it challenges all men to reconsider what courage really looks like. It is a powerful film all dads should watch!
As fathers, we need to teach our children the importance of physical courage, but also the value of moral courage. In other words, we must instill within our kids an immutable sense of right and wrong so that when the moral dilemma arises, they know without a doubt which side of the issue they stand. For example, when my son was very young, we had a conversation on our way to school that went something like this.
Me: “Son, do not ever start a fight, but if you cannot get away from it, protect yourself or those who cannot protect themselves.”
Me: “If you are protecting yourself, or someone who cannot protect themselves, do whatever is necessary to end the fight.”
Son: “But dad, if I punch someone else, I’ll get into trouble!”
Me: “Not from me you won’t if you’re protecting yourself or someone else.”
Son: Smiling… “Ohhhhh…Ok!!!.”
I was not giving him a license to be a bully or start fights – in fact, it was just the opposite. I was reassuring him that if he chose violence to confront bullying or physical hostility he was in the right no matter what the school declared. Consequently, I reminded him if he ever started a fight or used violence outside of protecting others he would have to contend with me and negative consequences. I was trying to teach him the imperative of moral courage and physical courage in the face of conflict and danger.
Fast-forward to his freshman year in college (via text of course):
Son: “Dad, I punched some kid in his face last night.
Me: “Were you messing around or was it a true punch to the face?”
Son: “He was drunk and trying to take advantage of a friend who called me to ask for help getting home. I was helping her, and he threw the first punch. I threw the last punch.”
Me: “Did the police get involved?”
Son: “Nope.”
Me: “Be careful, but I’m proud of you for being a protector.”
Me: Smiling Emoji
There are some who would argue there is no place for violence in the world. I would love to see such a day and place, but until such a utopia exists we should teach our kids the courage to confront evil and injustice. Sometimes it may the only recourse.
When the concept of courage is mentioned, we often think of physical courage. We envision William Wallace fighting the British Army or Captain Miller holding his position in Saving Private Ryan. Certainly, these men embody a strand of courage to which most men would aspire although at great sacrifice. Even so, there are other types of courage we can impart to our children that will benefit them and the greater community.
Moral Courage is More than Right vs. Wrong
In addition to physical courage, we would be well-served to instill in our kids a strong sense of moral courage. Fortunately, most parents do this almost subconsciously. We teach our kids our values of right-vs-wrong with our commentary, our time, and even our finances. When we comment out loud at the evening news or the latest social media posts we are informing our kids about the importance of topic X and why they should agree with us. We might even donate money to an issue and use such a moment to teach our children. In doing so, we’re showing a type of moral courage because we’re demonstrating to our kids how to align our resources (money) with our values. This can be a powerful lesson for our children.
By choosing an unpopular path we also teach our kids a type of moral courage. For example, our junior high child is trying to live out her faith in a world where sexuality, gender identity, and social norms are ever-changing. This is an area my wife and I never had to contend with growing up. Even so, our middle-school daughter accepts it as a fact of life. Because we are a faith-based family, we have struggled to teach her to love those around her regardless of their choices while simultaneously not condoning lifestyles that may be incongruent with our world view. This takes a strong sense of moral courage particularly in the face of those that teach tolerance above all else. In other words, we hope to admonish her to stand up for her values (moral courage) while still showing love and compassion for those that disagree with her stance.
In Closing
To be clear, courage is not free. I have several colleagues that gave the ultimate sacrifice in defense of this Nation. Like so many young men and women, they served until there was nothing left to give. These include men like Matt Bancroft, Troy Gilbert, Kylan Huffman, and others. Their courage was the high-water mark for those of us left behind. How could I ever complain about anything knowing they would give everything to be with their loved ones just one more day? Their courage compels me to look beyond myself and emulate the same kind of bravery and courage.
Instilling a sense of physical and moral courage in our children should be a priority for every dad. This seems to be an imperative more than ever in a world of hyperbole and relativity. Other than compassion, courage remains one of the most important values a father can impart to his children because from it so much else flows including justice, honesty, and righteousness. Dads will be well-served to look for those opportunities to teach their kids the importance of courage and its role in the world today. We’ll all be better off as a result!
Keep it up, Dads! You’re making a difference!
Cheers,
Jeff
