Over the holiday break, we had the opportunity to return to the small town where my wife and I grew up. We were there to celebrate my wife’s grandmother’s 90th birthday. It was a beautiful day, and her grandma was appropriately honored. In the midst of the afternoon’s festivities though I had a moment of profound recognition of something profound. It can best be described simply as “community.” And it was powerful.
You see, my wife and her family (and me to a lesser degree) are the product of a small, tight-knit farming community in California. Her grandmother was the descendant of sheep ranchers and farmers. The family rumor was their original land grant from the state was in Spanish if that tells you how long they have been in the area.
My wife’s grandmother worked a full career in the high school office where every family from the community and nearby towns attended. There is a street named after my father-in-law after he built several homes on it. We both have family and friends buried in the community cemetery. This is no average suburbia – it is a place where people have roots.
There’s Power in Community
As I ruminated on the sense of connectedness in the room that day, I had to smile at the richness of life represented by those in attendance. There were old high school coaches and colleagues, distant cousins and families, small-town businessmen, former neighbors, grandkids, and great-grandkids. It was a wonderful celebration of community and family.
During the celebration, I saw generations of a community coming together to mark a milestone. As the designated photographer (a role for which I was woefully underqualified) I had the privilege of watching up close old friends and family laugh, hug, cry, and connect. It was clear some of those in attendance had not seen each other in a long time. It was also easy to see how much they were enjoying the shared memories and joy.
There were also some notable absences of loved ones due to time, sickness, and tragedy. I had grown up with many of the elders in the room, but ironically then I was my kids’ age, and these folks were my age! Time has a funny way of putting things into perspective. This includes a profound appreciation for the power of community.
Community in Suburbia? Yes!
The community in which my wife and I came of age was a small farming community comprised of several small nearby towns. There was one high school, and the first stoplight arrived when the first McDonald’s was built in the late 1980s. It is ten times larger now, yet somehow those community roots we saw during a 90th birthday party still connect families and history.
In comparison, the neighborhood in which we currently live is only ten years old. Eleven years ago it was just a piece of the Sonoran desert. I would venture to guess our community is indicative of more suburban neighborhoods than my childhood home. Even so, there is a strong, but nascent, feel of community where we live due in large part because people move here to find community. It is even in the advertisements for the area.
So how, and more importantly WHY, do families need community today? For the same reasons that surfaced during a 90th birthday party. Community binds us to one another. We are social creatures who thrive most when we are connected with other people. As the old adage goes, we are human beings, not human doings. Community is the interaction between us individually and corporately that in turn adds value to all of our lives.
Building Community is an Investment
It seems the biggest obstacle preventing us from building community is time. Our days are full of commitments, activities, and chores. Out of the 168 hours of our week, there is not much left for new relationships or calendar appointments. That is reasonable. That is if we do not want the world in which we live to be more meaningful and more vibrant.
There is no doubt community requires an investment of our time and energy. The return on our investment is significant though. It can include deeper relationships, safer neighborhoods, a higher quality of life, increased charity, and more purposeful living. These phenomena occur over time when men, women, and families participate in the process of building a spirit of community.
So how do we as dads, husbands, and colleagues build community? We become intentional about it just like we do with our relationships with our kids and our spouse. We make time to connect with others around us like our neighbors that moved in a year ago, but who we never took the time to meet. It includes the parents of our kids’ friends even though they may have different values than ours. It should also include those folks we see at the grocery store at least one a month, but to whom we have never introduced ourselves.
These are just a few examples of relationship building opportunities. Like many things in life, “emotion follows motion.” In other words, you might not want to put yourself out there and talk with people, yet the more you do, the more you will find yourself engaged in gratifying conversation. You will also come to realize you are connecting with other dads who might need a word of encouragement. Or they might offer one to you. Once you are attuned to the idea of initiating conversations and connecting with others in order to build community, you will find opportunities everywhere to do just that.
Ten Community-Building Activities
In addition to the spontaneous meet-and-greets with other dads and men, there are some things you can do to facilitate community-building. Remember, communities are not buildings and streets. They are relationships. Therefore, we must be willing to spend some of our time to build them. The list of ideas below are some simple ways we can connect with others on our street, apartment complex and neighborhoods. The great news is these can all be a lot of fun for everyone involved, which will, in turn, encourage others to reach out and connect with others
1. Host a street/block party. A Halloween gathering out front is a great low-key version of a block party. A similar idea is to coordinate a “progressive” dinner with a handful of neighbors you would like to know better.
2. Ask a buddy on the block you know a little to grab a coffee so you can get to know each other better. Be up front with the reason why, too. You might be surprised how much your neighbor appreciates the invite.
3. Connect with a local house of worship. This has massive benefits for you and your family, not the least of which is connecting with other community members. You might even find some spiritual connection as well.
4. Start a “community of interest”. In my community I kept running into other military veterans. I thought it would be great to link up with them so I started a Facebook page and organized some social get-togethers so we can all connect.
5. Join or start a social media group centered on your neighborhood/community. I mentioned Facebook already – there’s probably already a page for your community, but another one that is geared specifically for neighborhoods is Nextdoor.com. When used correctly, it is a fantastic community enhancer.
6. Organize or participate in a fundraiser for your local school or join your kids’ school’s parent-teacher association. You’ll get the added benefit of directly contributing to your kids’ educational experience!
7. Start or join a block watch. Just about everyone can rally around the idea of lowering crime and increasing safety in the neighborhood. If you are not sure if there is one in place already, or how you get one off the ground, call your local police department or sheriff’s department ask about “Block Watch”.
8. Welcome new neighbors with something yummy (in a plate they have to return) when they move in. When they return the plate, you’ll have another opportunity to chat some more!
9. Throw a street/neighborhood reunion. Invite neighbors that have moved away. Another version of this one is when you throw a block party (see #1 above), invite some of your old neighbors. Even if they cannot make it, they’ll appreciate the gesture.
10. Host or organize an outdoor movie night during the summer for the families in the neighborhoods. If you do not have the equipment, find a neighbor that does and offer to use your garage door as the projection screen or even rent out a shared room at the local community center or YMCA. Get creative because everyone loves a movie and popcorn.
If you have other ideas on how dads can build community and connect with other dads while doing so, please drop me a note below or offer a comment at the bottom of this page. I would love to hear from you!
Closing Thoughts
Community is built one relationship at a time. This is true while catching up with a former neighbor you have not seen in several years or chatting with another dad while stuffing envelopes for the school PTO. Somehow these small, seemingly insignificant, interactions aggregate into a broader wave of social-connectedness we refer to as community.
When community forms, it is a compelling force that binds us to our fellow dads and just as importantly, looks past the things that often divide us. Community allows us to connect with other dads and husbands who want the same things we do for our families. It can even create a synergy that encourages and challenges us to tackle the issues big and small for the betterment of the world in which we all live.
Community starts with you and me. And it can last well into our 90s.
Keep at it, Dads! You’re making a difference!
Cheers,
Jeff
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