A Closet Full of Hats
How many hats do you own? Some professions require them, like construction or the military, while they’re optional for others such as food service workers. (The next time you’re in a fast food restaurant look to see who’s wearing a hat and who is not.) But what about hats outside of work – how many do you have in your closet? And more interestingly, how many hats do you regularly wear?
I have somewhere near twenty hats, not counting my Marine Corps ones that I held onto. (In the Corps they’re technically called “covers.” Don’t ask me why.) I only have a few hats that I wear regularly. My favorite ones currently are a khaki-colored worn-out American flag ball cap and a dark blue Stone Brewing hat.
In fact, you’ll see my favorites sprinkled around the pictures on suburbandads.net. So while I have a host of hats in my closet, I really only wear the ones that comfortably cover up my balding head.
Are You a “Hat Guy”?
Some guys never wear hats. Some guys always wear hats. I work with guys in both categories. Whatever the reasons, I think most men can be classified as “hat guys” or “no hat guys.” I think I’m more of a “hat guy” than I’m not. Now that I think about it, my ideal clothes ensemble includes flip-flops, jeans or shorts, a t-shirt and a ball cap. In fact, that’s what I’m wearing now!
So whether you are a “hat-guy” or not, I’m going to bet you wear a lot of different hats and you may not even realize it. You wear the hat that says “Dad” all the time. For those of you that are married, you have one that reads “Husband,” although it’s sometimes scratches your scalp and causes you to rub your head.
You probably have a few others as well. There’s the “Employee” or “Boss” hat, which may even be one of those stupid-looking double-billed hats that you rotate around throughout the workday. Then there’s the “Coach” hat and the “Friend” hat, so many dads wear. You may even have an “I’m with Stupid” hat for those special friends or co-workers.
In addition to the “hats” mentioned above, we have a few that sometimes cause confusion when we put them on. For example, if you put on the “Leader” hat at home and your significant other doesn’t agree with your decision-making, there’s likely going to be a call for you to take that one off. Similarly, if you wear the same “Leader” hat at work, but you don’t have the official title that goes along with it, someone gets rubbed the wrong way and ignores your hat. So how do we make sense of it all? Rules can help. Or maybe just some guidelines.
Advice for Wearing a Hat
There used to be a time when all men wore hats, and they all understood the rules. For example, you didn’t wear a hat indoors, you took off your hat when talking to someone to show them respect, and you made sure your hat matched your suit. Those days are long gone. See NPR’s “Who Killed Men’s Hats?” for a commentary on what became of this phenomenon.
The bowler hats of the 1800s and the fedoras of the mid-20th century have been replaced. There are now, instead flat-bill baseball’ish hats, hipster beanies, the occasional straw Panama hat, the retro cotton bucket hat and even the traditional curved-bill real-American baseball hat. (No bias here!) And there appear to be no rules on when, where and how they should be worn. Case-in-point: a grown man tucking his ears inside his flat-bill pseudo baseball style hat. Seriously?
Yet, no matter which style of hat you wear, there are some general guidelines, even rules, for wearing our multitude of hats. If we understand some of the rules for the hats we must wear – or not wear – we’re more likely to get it right for our kids and our wives. With this in mind, here are three essential rules for suburban dads when it comes to wearing hats.
3 Hat-Wearing Rules for Successful Dads
1. Wear only one hat at a time.
We often think we’re supposed to be all things to all people. The truth of the matter is to be authentic we must focus on the hat – the role – we’re currently filling.
If I’m on a date with my wife and I keep checking my work emails because I don’t want to miss my boss’s late night ramblings, I’m not wearing my “Husband” hat very well. Or my “Employee” hat for that matter. This is particularly vital if I hope to trade-out my “Husband” hat for one of my favorites – my “Lover” hat – later in the evening!
My bride deserves to have me fully present when I am with her. By not looking at work emails on a date with her communicates to her that I am “all-in.” Consequently, when I am at work and must focus on the “Great Employee” role, she is more willing to support me and trust me that I am spending my time wisely.
2. Be ready to change your hat frequently.
Ok, it’s time for some transparency. Have you ever been in one of those moments where things with your spouse were getting a little spicy, and you knew you were on track to have quality husband-wife time? Then, all of sudden from one of the kids’ rooms you hear those dreaded words, “I think I’m going to be sick!” Off goes the “Husband-Lover” hat and on goes the “Parent-of-a-Barfing-Kid” hat. Sigh. That’s reality fellas.
Similarly, we can be in the middle of a heated debate with our boss when the cell phone buzzes, and we see a text from our wife seeking input on chicken or pasta for dinner. Are you KIDDING me? Nope. Off goes the “Passionate Employee” hat and on goes the “Empathetic Husband” hat. If you put on the “Are-You-Kidding-Me” hat, you’re likely not to have any husband-wife moments in your house for awhile. I’m just saying.
We have to be versatile enough to change hats frequently and without fuss. That’s just life. When we’re required to remove a comfortable hat for one we don’t really want to wear, instead of getting irritated and frustrated, we should recognize it’s just part of being a dad and embrace it. And then put back on the one we actually want to wear as soon as possible. Or at least as soon as practicable, which is probably well after the barfing kid goes to sleep.
3. Some hats should never be worn.
Although we have several hats we can, and should, regularly wear, there are a few we should never wear. Now to preface this discussion, I know we can never be perfect. And I know from good friends and colleagues that life can get really messy, really quickly. This admonition is not about passing judgment, but it IS about giving warning. Feel free to offer any arguments or wisdom below.
The bottom line is some hats should never be worn. You should not wear the “Lover” hat with anyone other than your spouse – assuming you’re married. If you do, don’t expect to wear the coveted “Dad of the Year” hat in front of your kids for a long, long time. Yes, suburban dads have immense pressure on them, but stepping out on your wife – and your kids frankly – never results in us wearing a “Happily-Ever-After” hat.
Similarly, we should avoid wearing the “Absent Father” hat that many in our culture think is alright. When we become dads, we’re signing up for a lifetime of work, joy, pride, frustration, excitement, anxiety and most of all love. If we allow work, or hobbies, to place the “Absent Father” hat upon our heads, it’s time to make significant changes in our lives.
All Hats Get Hung Up Eventually
I’ve been to my share of funerals including my best friend from high school, my dad, and young men I knew who sacrificed it all for our country. Interestingly, none of them were wearing a hat when they were lowered into the ground. Perhaps when it’s all said and done we hang up all of our hats, and we’re left with just who we are. I’m ok with that.
In the meantime, recognize we wear many different hats as suburban dads. Let’s do our best to wear the right ones at the right time for the right reason.
Until next time, cheers!
Jeff
