A Love Letter to My Wife (And Lessons Learned Over 25 Years)

This post is unlike any I’ve written before. It’s a little raw and a lot personal. It is a love letter to my wife of twenty-five years.

Today, Ann and I celebrate a quarter century of life together. In actuality, we’ve been together for nearly 29 years, but since we exchanged vows and said, “I do,” it’s been 25 years. Dang, that’s a long time!

I have thought of this post for quite some time. I wanted it to be something authentic and not artificial. Celebrating this many years together happily married is noteworthy, but I did not want it to be bragging. On the contrary, my reason for putting it out there is to encourage younger dads and families. Heck, if we can make it through shift work, military deployments, parenting struggles, illnesses, and financial uncertainties…anyone can. That’s my hope.

How it all started

If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to go back in time. It was the spring of 1990, and I was the BMOC (Big Man on Campus). In a small town with a big high school, I was on top. I had great friends, my future looked bright (Go Navy!), and as student body president, I was both admired and respected. I was also a little too full of myself. It wasn’t long before a young, beautiful young lady put me in my place.

One day a friend and neighbor and friend approached me and said, “If Ann asks you to the junior prom, would you go?” Having just left a long-term high school relationship, I paused. Then I said, “Sure, she seems pretty cool.” (Or whatever the 80s equivalent of “cool” was!?) A few days later, a cute, curly-brown-hair girl suddenly appeared in front of me next to my locker.

Her: “Will you go to the prom with me?”

Me: “Sure”

Her: Big quick hug and then she was off.

Over the next few weeks, we hung out a little ahead of the prom. I recall thinking, “This girl is pretty rad!” (= “awesome” in 80s terms). I also remember thinking, “It’s a good thing I’m not looking for a long-term girlfriend!”. On the day of the prom, her dad even gave me the keys to his Jaguar to drive the four of us to Bobby McGee’s and the dance. (What?!? I) We had a great time. Who IS this cute, shy, nerd’ ish girl?!?!

Things Get Serious

From those early days of flirting, high school proms, and “what if’s,” our relationship took root. I was 3000 miles away during college and a year ahead of her, yet something connected. We spent my first Christmas break wondering if we were meant for one another. A night in San Francisco at an Italian restaurant and Les Miserables play led us to the conclusion perhaps this was more than a high school fling.

Two years of long-distance letters, sporadic phone calls (pre-cell phones!), and intermittent stretches together affirmed what we were beginning to sense. We were supposed to be together. And more importantly, we were supposed to live life together. In a matter of years, the long-distance dating relationship turned into a courtship.

Then in December 1992, in a small French restaurant in Clayton, California, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, and my life changed forever. She said, yes!! Thinking back to that night brings me to tears. We had no idea what life had in store for us. Yet, we knew we were supposed to handle it together.

Life Together Means Life Fulfilled

So here we are twenty-five years later. More importantly, here we are more in love today than ever before. Here we are with four children from 21 to 13. Here we realize the dreams we had twenty-five plus years ago. We have scars and stories to account for our time as partners and parents, but most of all, we have them together.

Like so many families out there, we’ve endured some crazy times – deaths of loved ones, praying over our newborn who doctors gave a 50/50 chance of survival, months apart while I was in a war zone, and having some close calls at work that put us on our knees in gratitude. Many families endure worse for sure, which is why we try to keep it all in perspective.

I really do not want to sound prideful because we know some marriages do not make it for many reasons. Yet, I want to commend and commemorate the marriages that hit the big ones – 10, 25, 50 & beyond. I remember as a kid attending my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s a big friggin’ deal! There is definite power in those relationships. On the dawn of our first quarter-century of marriage, I can feel it. And I’m thankful beyond words.

As Ann & I celebrate our 25th, I thought it might be appropriate to share a few nuggets of wisdom for dads & husbands. We don’t have it all figured out, but I can tell you we are both more in love today than ever before. And we’re committed to the next 25. I’m hoping that counts for something. So here are some lessons learned and hopefully, some helpful thoughts for those of you dads (and moms) out there who are also working hard to make your marriages endure!

Your Marriage Must Come First

Your marriage comes first. That means it comes before your children, your job, your hobbies, your parents, and everything else. I know this flies in the face of some conventional parenting wisdom. It does NOT mean you neglect your kids for your wife or not put forth 100% at work because you want to get home early. It is about keeping “the main thing, the main thing.” It means making hard choices when you can that keep your wife and your marriage ahead of your own selfish tendencies. This might take some time to unpack, but keep the principle in mind the next time you’re given a choice, or opportunity, that conflicts with your wife or family.

For example, over the years, we’ve had friends that have never taken a husband-wife vacation. It’s always the entire family. While I get the idea our time is limited with our kids, I also believe a family that is kid-centric runs into problems when it’s eventually just mom and dad at home. It’s not an either/or proposition. It’s just that husbands & wives exist before, and after, kids, so be sure to nurture both. Having an anniversary getaway for the two of you or a weekend away with a sitter watching the little ones will pay huge dividends as a father, and a husband.

In the same spirit, when kids intrinsically know their dad loves their mom, they are so much better off relationally, emotionally, and even physically. When our kids see that our marriages are the most important relationship on earth, they learn some invaluable lessons. They learn mom and dad are committed to one another, and in turn, that provides immense stability in their lives. Don’t underestimate the power of healthy love modeled by parents in the lives of little girls and boys. Where else are they going to learn what it looks like? Certainly not from TV, social media, or their friends.

Marriage is not a 50/50 Endeavor

My mom is a strong woman. She endured an abusive husband and left the relationship rather than subject her two boys, and herself, to danger and ridicule. Sadly, my dad was unable to change his ways, and it cost him dearly. When I was a young teenager, I asked my mom about her marriage to my father, and she said something profound. Something I have not forgotten, albeit a paraphrased version. She said marriage is not about two people giving 50% each to meet in the middle. Nope. She said a successful marriage requires both spouses giving well above 50%, so there was plenty to go around.

In other words, there is no “50/50”. Husbands & wives should be putting out well above 50%, so there is an abundance of love, respect, and work to share. If there’s not a surplus of love and commitment, things will get rocky when life throws some obstacles in your way. When both spouses are committed to loving and honoring one another no matter the circumstances the marriage becomes impervious to jealousy, anger, resentment, and frustration.

Let’s face it: your spouse is going to disappoint you someday. And you are going to disappoint them as well. The key to overcoming these shortcomings is to know you are still on the same team and are always committed to one another. That only happens when your spouse (or you) feels and knows the other half is fully committed to your collective success. When you have both built up a trust surplus with the other person, your mistakes and missteps are easily absorbed and minimized. The matter may sting a bit, but you can return to normalcy quickly because there is NO DOUBT you both are committed to one another.

A Cord of Three is Not Easily Broken

This is perhaps the most critical piece of wisdom I can share with any couple. It’s simple: It takes more than a couple. It takes God to be a part of the equation. I know in today’s world of relativism and humanistic theology, this might be an unpopular point. Even so, I am compelled to share it because there’s no other way to explain how Ann and I can celebrate this anniversary together. Had it not been for God’s divine intervention and faithfulness, we would have caved long ago to the pressures and uncertainties of life.

The phrase comes from the Old Testament, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) Simply stated, it means a marriage must be anchored in faith. A marriage that is not will more likely fall victim to the world’s messages of “We fell out love” or “We were too young” or “We just grew apart.” I know this is a complicated and controversial topic. I just cannot help to think that if more marriages were genuinely working towards God’s design for marriage, they would better weather the storms of life. Make no mistake, had my parents not gotten divorced, I would have never met my wife or been near as “successful.” I just know His plan for marriage is a lot better than mine.

Some readers might have turned off at the mention of God and His plan for marriage, but before you move on, please consider this. Even if you are not a “religious” or spiritual person, please consider anchoring your marriage to something other than how both spouses are feeling at any given moment. This could mean keeping your wedding vows close and referring to them as inspiration. It might mean consulting with an older married couple who can ask you each the “tough questions” and similarly, encourage you both in your marriage. In essence, surround yourself with other pro-marriage friends who are committed to your success as a married man or woman.

In Closing

I hope this post does not sound too “preachy” or boastful. On the contrary, it is a testament to my wife and the Almighty that we can celebrate this milestone. We have endured much, seen much, forgiven much, and most all loved much. In closing, I want to publicly praise and love my bride just a little more. Thank you for indulging me.

Ann Marie – You are the love of my life. You have loved me unconditionally and faultlessly for over twenty-five years. Through deployments, shift work, and countless hours of school, you have never complained. You have supported me and encouraged me when life seemed too much to handle. You have never wavered. You are tireless, gorgeous, and wicked smart even if you are nearly blind without your glasses or cannot spell to save your life. Did I mention how smart & beautiful you are?!?!

We have laughed and cried together. We have faced tragedy and triumph side-by-side. And we have never lost sight of the fact we are on the same team. We have created four amazing and beautiful children together. And we have dreamt together a thousand times.

All those years ago, you set something amazing and wonderful into motion when you asked me to your prom. I had no idea what a ride it would be. I love you Ann Marie. Thank you for the past 25 years. I have no doubt the next 25 will be just as remarkable

Forever yours,
JWC